Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's finally over, on to 2009

Well, the last day of the worst year of my life is taking place right now. I look back at all I have been through and I am amazed I am still breathing. There were times I thought I wouldn't be able to come up for a breath, but I survived the year from HELL.

Fighting through the fertility treatments, negative after negative each month, then injections for 2 weeks in my stomach and then finally the second line appeared. I was speachless, shocked and so happy. We were going to have a baby, our dream was finally going to happen after almost 3 years at the time. Then our world crumbled apart, to change us forever and to see the world very differently. The loss of our babies will live forever in our broken hearts.

A new year is approaching and I want to have optimism but I am scared to soften my hard shell I have made around myself. So many bad things have happened in the past 3 years of trying to have a child, I wonder if it will ever happen, and will the past repeat itself. I say to people and sometimes to myself that 2009 is going to be a good year, my year to finally have something go right, but in the back of my mind I doubt the good will ever come. I feel I am at the bottom of the pile of shit, it can only get better from here, right? We'll see, I am going to keep my head up high and fight on. These last few years have proven to myself that I am a fighter and I will keep fighting for what I want so badly, to be a mother to a living healthy child.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, good fortune and peace in 2009.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I made it!

Well, it is finally over. I have been waiting for this day to arrive, the day's after Christmas. The anxiety leading up to the holiday was horrible, the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My husband and I had a quiet day, just the two of us. I am glad we didn't have family events to go to, it would have been hard to put on the fake smile. We had put our tree up, with the decoration for our babies, but we didn't do presents for each other. We knew the 09 year was going to bring expenses again to try to get pregnant.
I did think a lot about my brother and his wife who just the day before Christmas brought home their new baby. I am happy for them, but jealousy is also a strong feeling. I was suppossed to be brining home my babies, or getting ready to have them. Christmas day was to be 36 weeks for me, I would have been huge and so ready to be a mother.
In the evening after dinner I sat at the table where we have their little urns and all the memories of them. The candles were lit, relecting against the pictures of their names in the sand. It was very peaceful. I talked to them, telling them I missed them so very much and that I loved them more then anything in this world. I usually cry when I sit with them but not that night. A sense of peace came over me, like they were beside me letting me know they were there and it was going to be alright.
I am starting to feel ready to try to get pregnant again. The New Year of 09 will, or should be a better year. Not much worse can happen. Definately 08 has been the worst year of my life. I will continue to be a fighter and the drive and want to be a mother to a living child will overcome the fear I have to be pregnant again, and have another loss. I wish everyone a good New Years and to all the women out in the world who have lost a child, may you find peace, and get pregnant in 09 if you are trying.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to my babies, Brielle and Natalie. Mommy and Daddy wish you were here with us today. We miss you so much and are thinking of you a lot today. I feel you in my heart but not in my arms. I hope you are at peace where ever you are and please know I am always thinking of you. Love you and miss you lots.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Pain shot through me like fire as I read the sign that a new baby was born from a lady I work with. I new it was coming but the actual moment was so unbearably hard to emotionally deal with. Tears streamed my checks and I gasped for air. Was I hypervenilating, or was I dying? I tried catching my breath as I felt like I was going to die. Everything inside me wanted to die, I didn't want to live anymore, I just wanted to be with my babies. Talking with myself, convincing myself I am a strong women I can make it through this. Leaning against the wall as I felt lightheaded, I tried to gather my composure. I had to go out and face the world, do my job and put on a fake smile. HOW? How was I suppossed to deal with the public when I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry, cry for my lost babies. It feels like you are drowning, like you can't get air, your lungs won't function, and you are slowly suffocating but you stay alive. You make it through each moment, each day and you survive. You wonder how you survive, and will you continue to survive with the coming heartaches and pains you will have to endure.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Fertility Specialist Appt.

Well my RE appt is coming up on Tuesday and I am getting nervous, excited and all the feelings in between. I am worried things are going to be grime about trying when we want to in Jan. I guess I am feeling like everything else in the last 3 years with fertility treatments, and losing my twins has gone terribly wrong why not something else to end the worst year of my life. I will be doing injections again, yuck, to get preg like last time. I am not looking forward to walking into that office again so soon. I thought it was going to be a few years, but here I am again. They called me at work on Friday to ask why I was coming in, wondering if I thought I should come in while being pregnant? I told them what happened about the loss and they were sorry, but it hurt to have to say it. I knew I would be telling why when I got there but for some reason the rest of the day on Friday was a downer for me after that. I will let you all know what happpens after my appt. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How am I surviving?

Have you ever wondered if you are going to survive? Why haven't you lost it yet? Had a emotional, mental break down?

Being told the statement, "I don't know how you are doing it", made me stop to ask myself, how am I doing it?. Telling the person that I didn't have a choice, I had to move on and get myself out of bed each morning, was a defense mechanism to keep my emotions from spilling out. Deep inside I am not making it. I hurt each day I open my eyes to another day without my Brielle and Natalie with me. I fear the conversations I hear, the people I see and the thoughts in my head. Each day has pending pain, just waiting to come at me. I never know where, when or how it will happen, I just keep my senses alert so I can avoid as many potential ones as possible. I never knew heartache pain could actually be felt physically. Like a broken heart.

I am living two different lives inside me each day. There is the reality of life, I am no longer pregnant with my babies, my babies are in heaven (I hope there is a heaven), I will have yet another year at Christmas with no children, and I have to go through the pain and heartache of fertility treatments again. I know this is reality but the other part of my thoughts live another dimension of my memories.

Thursday of each week is a new week to what was suppossed to be my pregnancy, I would be almost 34 weeks. I count each week and think of what I would have been like, big, happy, scared, but overjoyed with excitement of the pending birth. My babies should be born very, very soon. They would have been happy and healthy, and would have been coming home with us to meet their doggies who would have protected them. I am so afraid that after the date that they would have been born, I will start the new thoughts of memories that I should have 2 babies home with me and being on maternity leave. Sometimes I feel like I am living a split personality, but I know what is reality and not. I know it is normal to have these thoughts because my pregnancy was over so abruptly, to soon with a devastating outcome.

There are days when I think I am losing it or close to it. There are many moments at work each day, tears come into my eyes and I have to wipe them away and carry on with my job. This time of year is so hard for me. Christmas, when my babies should have been born, knowing my brother and his wife are having their baby soon, hearing of others at work being pregnant and knowing 2008 will be the worst year of my life. I really don't know how much more I can take before I truly have a mental breakdown. I guess I am stronger then I think, we all are, the women who I talk with on babycenter, are all very strong.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas tree

Well I finally got the courage to put my Christmas Tree up. It's beautiful with my babies ornament on it. I have lights, ribbon, bows and their ornament. I love it. I actually got into doing the decorating, more then I thought I would. I am learning that the anxiety leading up to something is a lot worse then the actual event itself. I am proud of myself for accomplishing it, without even one tear. Lots of sad thoughts but no tears. It gives me a sense of peace with the approaching holiday, like I will be able to get through it. I will take it day by day and not to be to hard on myself. I hope you all like the pictures I have put up.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Christmas Fear

I haven't written to much lately, been busy with keeping my head above the waters during the upcoming holiday. Christmas, is suppossed to be my favorite time of year, it was, until the horrible nightmare I went through this year made me see it in a different view. The lights, music, tree, dinner and the presents don't mean anything to me anymore since losing Brielle and Natalie. I see it now as a day to spend with family, except my family dreams and reality have been shattered. Shattered into memories, pain, anguish and longing. You know the saying, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"? All I want for Christmas is to wake up from this nightmare with my beautiful babies in my arms alive and breathing. A present I will never get and I know this but it doesn't make the pain any easier.

Lately there are so many things that have been hurtful and hard to deal with. I am struggling with the idea of putting up my tree. My mind and I have this conversation daily, I am strong enough, I will put my tree up, and then I am at home and my heart can't let it happen. It is a constant battle. I bought this ornament for Brielle and Natalie with their names on it and its purpose was to be on the tree, but if I don't put it up, their first Christmas ornament won't have a special place to hang to be looked at daily. Maybe this weekend I will gather myself up and decorate a little.

Hearing Christmas music in the store, and at work on the radio is giving me a knot in my stomach. I love the music but for some reason it makes me feel ill to hear it. I wish I could turn off my ears as needed to tune it out. January 09 can't come to soon to save my sanity. Some days I feel like I could have a break down with all the anxiety and panic building up.

The Christmas cards in the mail are another reminder of the day approaching. I usually like getting them and giving them but I don't care this year. I find the ones with pictures of people's children and expecially grandchildren extremely painful and mostly I feel they are inconciderate and inappropriate. I mean, what are they thinking, that after only 10 weeks I would want these pictures flaunted in my face, a reminder of what I don't have and what I will never have? Some people can be so hurtful when they don't think before acting. I wouldn't ever think of sending pictures like those to a grieving mother and father after losing their children. And with Christmas coming, what a lack of feelings and compassion.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


Today I am having a hard time being thankful for all the good things in my life as I hold a constant sadness and reminder my babies are not with me today. I am trying to be strong as I didn't think this day would create such a depth of depair inside me. I though Christmas would be the one day that would get to me. To my surprise Thanksgiving is affecting me more than I realized. I was given a invitation to go to a friends house for dinner but I had to decline knowing I wouldn't be good company. So my husband and I are going to have a small healthy dinner alone and treat it as any other day and watch the Dallas Cowboys on TV.

The things I am grateful for are:

My husband, who is the love of my life and has always been there for me through this horrible time in our lives. I appreciate everything he does for me. He is a hard worker at his job, does so much around the house and is a wonderful man. I am so lucky to have him. I don't know what I would have done without him at my side. He is the best. The last 16 years with him have been the best years. I love him so much.

My house, a roof over my head. I am grateful for this knowing in the terrible state of the economy so many people are without homes and are living in terrible conditions. Many people around the world live without clean water, food and in dirty, unsanitary conditions. I am grateful I was born in this place in the world so I can have a healthy life and to have the opportunities I have been given.

My job. I was able to go to university and obtain my Bachelors of Nursing degree and work in the Operating Room. I earn a good living and am never without in my life. So many people have lost jobs in the last few years, I am grateful to still have mine.

My friends and family, even though there are times we have our problems. I love my mom, dad and my brother. They have always supported me in whatever I wanted to do with my life. I appreciate them so much, even though we live far apart. I miss them dearly but I have a good life where I am living.

My BBC connections. I am so very grateful for the women who I have met on my BBC boards. I have such support with people who truely understand what it is like to live without your children, and to have them only in your heart and mind. They are all such wonderful, strong and amazing women. My boards are my rock, I go on everyday to know I am not alone and they are always there for me, in the ups and downs. They always know what to say.

There are many other things I am grateful for each day, but it is hard to see them through the fog of depression and sadness that lingers each moment. But today I am trying to realize the good thing even though I miss my babies Brielle and Natalie so much.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Last weekend I was starting to feel better. I had some really good days and they lead into the work week. It has only been 8 weeks and I though I was making head way with my emotions. Well that came to a sudden halt on Friday. The emotional depression started again, it came out of no where. I had the heavy sadness once again in my chest, inside my heart. And it is still there. God I miss Brielle and Natalie so much. There are so many reminders everywhere I go, that tell me what I don't have and what I will never have with my babies. Right now I cry for them, the longing to hold them so intense, my emotions out of control. Tears keep coming and I feel like I miss them more than before. Maybe the few days of ups have made my downs more intense. I don't know, this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I never know when I will be up or down. It is getting easier to see babies, hear about babies and pregnancy, but I still have pain when I do come across it. Most of the time I just walk away to protect myself, and just turn off my ears and emotions. Right now I am alone, and am letting myself feel my sadness and pain. Crying seems to release everything I have held in over the last week.

I should be 31 weeks pregnant and ready to burst. Their room should be almost done, but it has been left as it was the day I went into the hospital. The walls painted and the border wallpaper up. I have this dream in my head of how it was suppossed to be in their room. So perfect, everything in its place. I can even imagine myself holding them in there, changing diapers, tickling them and seeing them smile. I have this image like a personal movie, that only I can see. A movie that I will play over and over again through my whole life, to know how great it would have been.

My husband and I have been through so much in the last 3 years, that it makes you wonder why we are still sane. There are only a few people who know all of the details we been through. Most people would be in disbelief that 2 people could endure so much and still smile.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

My new tattoo

So I finally got my tattoo that I was wanting so badly to get. It is in memory of my babies Brielle and Natalie. I love it. It was incredibly painful to ge the outline done, but every moment of pain was worth it to have their feet on me. I think it is perfect. So now I can carry a part of them with me forever.

Does it ever make you wonder

Does it ever make you wonder if your life is going to be as good as others? I feel my life is at a stand still and I will never get to the place I want so badly to be, a mother. I am a mother to baby angels, brielle and Natalie but I want to share myself and my life with a child who I can hug physically on this earth. I feel a lonely, longing feeling of despair that I will never get to this point in my life. My husband contacted his old friends on Facebook and they all have children, and a lot of them have babies. Spending time looking on there with him made me feel sad again. This has made me realize that my life is not moving anywhere, I am running as hard as I can but making go leaway. Everything I do seems to crumble before I get to the finish line. Seeing the pictures of their babies, and children sent shooting pains into my heart and stomach. The physicall feeling of pain is once again with me.

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. I accomplished getting throught the whole day without crying or feeling depressed to the point I didn't want to do anything. So this makes up for the fact that right now, on Sunday I am now feeling down. I got my tattoo being drawn up to be done for today, I went golfing and helped my husband set up his facebook. Keeping busy with my weekends is very helpful to busy my mind. When I have to much alone time, my mind starts to slip into depression. My therapist labels me as moderate to severely depressed and mentioned medication. I would like to take something, especially before the holidays, but it takes 4 weeks to fully feel the effects. Since we are going to try again in Jan to become pregnant
I don't want to take anything, so my system is clear of harmful medications. I will just keep busy with my Husband and friends.

Tattoo day

Today I am most likely getting my tattoo for my angels. My husband and I have wanted a memory tattoo so we can always have our girls with us. I have decided to put it on my lower back. It is banner with a butterfly in the middle with their names on each end and their feet underneath the names. The banner is so they are joined together, in rememberence of them being twins. I am really excited to do this, to have their exact feet tattooed on me so they will always be with me for the rest of my life. I miss them so much, and this is a way I can always feel they are with me. My angels have left a mark on my heart, now they will leave a mark on my body. The pain isn't scary for me, after having to give myself injections to get preg and the horrible pain of labor, this will be nothing, I think. I have always said I would never get a tattoo but this has become important to me now. Another way to remember Brielle and Natalie over rides anything I had ever thought before. I'll post a picture after.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

My birthday

Today is my birthday and I don't know how to feel. I don't seem to be into it this year. It's another day that I was expecting to be pregnant, obeying bedrest or house arrest orders, and spending the day uncomfortable with my beautiful babies inside. Nothings seems the same as I compare it to my dreams of what should have been. I think I had the whole last part of my pregnancy planned out in my head and it is still playing, just not in real life. These kinds of days, days with significance are hard to deal with emotionally. Part of me wants to enjoy it a little but I feel such sorrow for my babies not sharing it with me. I know they are with me in spirit, my little angels, but it isn't the same. I miss you a lot today Brielle and Natalie, I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I will feel you inside my heart today.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Our baby shower day

Today I was busy doing things with my dad who is visiting and I all of a sudden realized that today we were suppossed to have our baby shower for you. Oh Briell and Natalie, how I miss you. You and I were going to be together with friends and family celebrating your up coming birth into this world. Presents for you were to be opened with excitement and joy. Gifts that were to be placed so perfectly in your baby's room with love and care. I remember thinking when the day was set, how far away it seemed. But it is here and not the way I could have ever imagined it. This day reminds me again of what I have lost and what will never be. All the dreams I had for you are shattered over and over again as I approach these once so important days. There was going to be games, cake and laughter and joy. I was so excited, to have this day, the day I had always pictured in my mind. It was going to be perfect. Oh so perfect for my beautiful, so loved and wanted babies. We always talked about how two baby girls were going to change our lives so much, in wonderful ways, we never imgained it would be this way when we said those words. One thing I have learned from all of this pain and heartache is to never take anything in life for granted. Always live life to the fullest and never say never. Today I am going to remember all of the memories of you both that I am grateful for. Like when I got to hold you while you were alive and tell you I loved you more than anything in this world while you past away in my arms. The feeling of being a mother even if it was for a short time and seeing how much your daddy loved you and still loves you. These are some of the memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.

To my angels Brielle and Natalie, I love you more than words can express and I miss you so much it hurts. I know you are with me in my heart and I believe that angels breath and keep watch over us. Keep look over your daddy and I and keep us safe. Please be the guardian angels of any future brothers or sisters we give you in this world. You are so missed by so many people and you are loved forever and ever.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

6 weeks yesterday.......

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks since I lost Brielle and Natalie. Yesterday I went for my last check up with my OB doctor and it was horrible. I am doing fine physically but yesterday mentally was a struggle. The medical assistant who checks you out before the doctor sees you started asking me all these questions about my babies, when I had them, what their names were and how much they weighed. I was starting to get really upset since it was hard enough just going to the appointment knowing my babies were not with me on this earth. How could someone not have seen that I lost Brielle and Natalie in my chart? I even said to her "shouldn't this already be in my chart"? She said it should be buts it not. I didn't even think it was necessary since I didn't end up with alive healthy babies in the end of my pregnancy. After I told her they weighed just over a pound each she stopped asking the questions, like she finally figured it out. I was very upset reliving it all again with a stranger so I went home and had a glass of wine and ate chocolate. The rest of the evening was emotional for me. There was tears and sadness, like every other night but more.

Later in the evening I learned a friend on a support board I am on, lost her twin girls after losing her first baby not even a year before. My heart breaks for her. I don't even know her, have just talked with her online and I wish I could be there for her in person to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Hearing of her sad news opened up my wounds and made me partially relive my devastating week in the hospital and the day my babies came into this world and left a short time later. As I type this my heart has such sadness for her, me and all the women who have lost a child. It is so unfair, our children as supposed to bury us not the other way around. I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason". I would love for someone to tell me why my babies were taken from me. And I would love to know why people who are cruel to children are able to have them.

Please everyone who reads this, pray for Jenell and her family as they face one of the most difficult times in their lives, again. The next while will be very painfull and full of sadness for them. They are in my thoughts everyday.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

One Holiday Down and Weekends

I made it through the first holiday since losing Brielle and Natalie. It was a little painful thinking of how it was suppossed to be. I should be 28 weeks pregnant and with twins, I should have been splitting at the seams. There was a halloween party I was going to go to if I wasn't on bed rest. My costume was to paint my belly orange and make it a pumpkin. The party is actually tonight and I don't know if I can go in another costume and not have sadness inside thinking about what it was suppossed to be like. A few people think I should go and if I didn't feel up to it then I can leave. As of right now I don't even feel up to finding a different costume. I know I need to do things for myself to heal but it is hard when you have had a different version of a time in your life already planned out and then it is abruptly changed after losing your children. I haven't totally made up my mind but I probably won't be going. To much happiness to be around.

I love and live for Fridays but right now I am wishing we didn't have them. Weekends have become very difficult for me to get through. I love to sleep in and relax, but now I can't turn my mind off thoughts of what happened, what I am missing out on and what should have been. I sit around the house sometimes all day, with depression setting in. I want to keep busier but I don't really know what to do with myself. Sometimes I do enjoy having time to myself, so I can think more of my babies and tell them I love them and missed them all week while I was at work. People may think I am crazy but this is the only time I can actually feel like I am with them even if its only in my mind and my heart. I still go into their room and cry telling them I am sorry for my decisions and wish I could go back. I am still missing them like I lost them yesterday, the only difference is that I can function. I have a sinking feeling in my heart for them and an internal sadness that never goes away. I wonder if it ever gets better then this or is this how I will feel for the rest of my life. As people say, you never get over it you just learn to live around the pain. I am learning to live around the pain, but it is always there. I guess this is what the new normal is.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Time goes so quickly

Today is 5 weeks since Brielle and Natalie left me. I can't believe how fast time goes. Some days or moments it seems like yesterday they were born, the emotions at times are still so raw. Over the weekend I was thinking it may be time to find a shelf for their urns and memory items and put the rest away but my husband said he wasn't ready for that I realized I wasn't either. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought I was stronger than I really am, or maybe I thought it would help me start to move on. But wait, I am moving on, I am functioning, I am going to work and I am beginning to smile and laugh again. Though a constant sadness surrounds me no matter what I am doing even during the laughs and smiles, it is less than the first weeks after my loss. It scares me to think my pain has lessened, I cry a little less, and can begin to think about the future, but I know deep inside my heart I will never forget. That used to be my biggest fear when I lost Brielle and Natalie, that I would start to forget if I went on with my life, but I have come to the realization that could never happen. As long as I am alive they will live on in me, in my heart.

We have talked about TTC again in the New Year, a part of me is okay with the thought but the other part is scared. We want a baby to bring home to be parents so badly but I am scared to be pregnant and to form a bond with another baby who may leave me. I don't know if emotionally I could take another loss. Fearing I won't form a new bond because I will always think or wish they were Brielle and Natalie, also scares me. I want them so badly to be inside me, me being pregnant again with them, being so happy. The logical side of me knows a new baby won't replace them and a new pregnancy won't bring them back. And that I will form a new love and bond inside of me but my emotional side will wish it was Brielle and Natalie. Is that fair to a future baby to think that? I don't know if these feelings of wanting to be pregnant again but only with Brielle and Natalie are normal at this time. I hope as time passes and their projected birth time goes by, I will know I would not have been pregnant with them anymore and be able to move past these thoughts.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Reminders everywhere

It seems like no matter where I go or what I do in this new normal, there are reminders of what is no longer. My husband and I went for dinner and everything from the salad dressing (which had raw egg) to the booth we sat in was a reminder of what I have lost. These are things I wouldn't be doing if I was still pregnant. It was so hard to not run out of the restaurant to escape the pain and memories. At this time I would be 27 weeks and I wouldn't have fit in the booth with my belly. I wonder how big I would be now? Would I be on couch/bedrest now? Would my ankels be swollen? These are thoughts I have and I will never know the answers. It is so painful to not be able to know what it would have been like. I would give anything to go back, to have my babies alive in my belly, living the uncomfortable but wonderful pregnancy life.

I still cry many times a day, and carry a longing and sadness with me. A longing to hold my babies, to hear them cry, to see their first smiles, first laughs, and first words. I will never get to experience the firsts with Brielle and Natalie. It is a pain I will carry for the rest of my life. I will think of first birthdays, first day of school, graduating college, getting married, and having their own babies. I feel robbed of what could have been.

I now wonder what is next for me in life. Will I get pregnant again, will I have a healthy living baby to bring home, or will I have more sadness and pain in my life. The last 3 years have been a very difficult time. I new it had changed me even before the loss of Brielle and Natalie with all the fertility treatments. Now I am a very different person. I need to find who I am now, and get to know her. I liked who I used to be, she was fun, liked to laugh and joked around. Maybe one day she will be back but it is to painful inside for her to come out right now. Maybe in time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

One Month

I can't beleive it has been one month since my angels grew wings. Brielle and Natalie left their imprint in my heart forever. I am off work today to reflect on the week leading up to and the day they were born. It is amazing how fresh the images are still in my mind. I remember everything from each moment like it was yesterday. It plays in my mind over and over like a movie. I can still feel them in my arms when I held them. God this is so hard. I am alone today for awhile and I am so very sad. I sat at the table with their few items and had a cry. I miss them so much and wish they could still be inside me growing strong. All I have is their memory now. I try to think of the good things. The moment they were born, holding them in my arms telling them I loved them, the feeling of being a mother, the sound of their heartbeats when monitored, the feeling of them kicking me and every inch of their precious little bodies and faces. I will carry these memories with me for the rest of my life. I know every mother who looses a child agonizes over the thought of having them back one more time. I think this all the time of each day and wish I could hold them just for a moment. To feel their little bodies close to me again. I know this will not be. I am trying to be strong so I can heal. I want to find some goodness in all this pain. I think one day I will move on in my job or life, and help others in some way who are dealing with this. I feel this is a calling for me to try to make a difference. One day we will try to conceive again and I know any living children will have angels Brielle and Natalie looking over them.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Day from HELL

I have always heard since I lost Brielle and Natalie, that people will all of a sudden think you should be "over it" like as if you lost your parent or your dog. Well I can say now I think I have experienced it. Work was going as well as it could be today until the unexpected phone call came in and I happened to be standing at the desk where it was receieved. One of the guys I work with called to announce that he and his wife delivered their baby girl into the world earier today. All of a sudden the person on the phone said things out loud to the other people who were standing around there. Things like, what time she was born, weight and all of the other usual things and peoples excitement grew in the air. I immediately left the area heading for the bathroom because I could feel the knives stabbing in me, and my thoughts racing about my babies. The second the door closed I started to cry, and cry and cry. I couldn't gather myself together, and just held it in as much as possible so I could leave the bathroom to work. I would sit at a desk eating my lunch staring at the wall and cry some more. There were people around but I didn't care at the time. Usually I care when I cry around people but this time was differnt. The emotions I was feeling were so raw and painful it didn't matter anymore. A guy I work with was nice. He put his hand on my back and asked me if I was having a bad moment, and said he was sorry and I could tell he was sincere. I appreciated that, because I started to realize all the other people around didn't even acknowledge I was upset. It was like they didn't notice or didn't care. Or thought I should be getting better and getting OVER IT. After awhile of crying and looking horrible my supervisor realized I was in no shape to be working with patients and sent me home. I got to my car and cried my eyes out again, like I did in the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach that I was having to deal with all this pain and sadness and it also makes me angry. I HATE THIS, IT SUCKS SO BAD, its not fair.

It felt like I was reliving the whole day of losing my baby Brielle and Natalie. The pain was so fresh again. I wonder to myself, will I ever be able to hear things like this in the future and keep my composure? Will I ever be able to see a pregnant women or baby and not get the knot sick feeling in the pit of my stomach? Will I ever be the same person and be happy for other people?

At work I live in my own little bubble, which can burst at any moment. A bubble where I float around in my mind with my lost babies memories and no one notices the pain I carry with me. Like nothing happened and I should be back to my old self. I feel so isolated in this bubble I live in, almost like I am invisible, or my pain is. I know people don't understand the depth of the pain in my heart and soul but I would think people would try. It seems like after all the hugs and sorry's have been done everyone has forgotten what I have lost. I have lost my precious babies Brielle and Natalie, my dreams and hopes for them, my furture with them and my innocence of a happy healthy pregnancy and delivery of my so desired and wanted babies. My life has been changed forever and I have been changed forever. I will never be the same person, I am a new person with a new view of the world.

Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of Brielle and Natalie's short lives. I have taken the day off work, since I would be thinking of them to much to concentrate at work. I will be the only person who realizes this besides my mom, husband and maybe a few very close friends (maybe). It is going to be a day of rememberence and sadness. A month goes by so fast, to fast when you want so badly to go back to that day and hold them one more time.

Monday, October 20, 2008

First full day of work

My first full day at work was emotional in the morning. I felt a deep sadness inside, missing my babies Brielle and Natalie. They were on my mind more than normal today, compared to last week. I'm not sure why, maybe because it was the first full day I would not be at home with them. I keep my tears inside while I am at work. A few times today I had to have a cry in the bathroom to release the sadness I was holding in. I try not to cry at work in front of people because I don't know how people would react, or how I would feel about it. I don't know, maybe its silly to worry about that but I do. The emotions I feel inside make me feel isolated, like no one else really understands. I feel alone, very alone.

Each time I am at work I think, maybe I came back to soon. I should have taken a few more weeks off, but never would it have been a good time to go back. Whenever things get a little stressful I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I start to miss Brielle and Natalie even more at these times and get very emotional. I know my hormones and emotions are all over the place right now. Stressful times seem to make we think about how things should be right now, me being pregnant and being happy and being able to handle any situation with a straight head. I'm not sure how to keep these feelings at bay while I am at work. I am worried one day things will get bad enough and I will just have a break down.

Not having my babies with me in this world, SUCKS and is soooooo PAINFUL. It just sucks that I have to deal with this in my life with everything else that has gone wrong over the years. I feel like this has aged me 10 years and changed my view of the world. I am angry, sad, depressed and just don't care about very many things anymore. When I hear about 15 year olds and crack whores getting pregnant and giving their babies away or treating them horribly it boils my blood. Going though fertility treatments was hard enough to read about these things now its painfully hard to read it. I even have a hard time right now seeing pregnant women. Each time I see someone pregnant, it feels like a knife in my heart, into my soul. I am suppossed to be pregnant and getting ready to bring my babies into this world, and love them like a mother would. It is suppossed to be one of the happiest times in my life and it is the saddest time in my life.

I find it theraputic to write to express myself. I miss my babies more than anyone could imagine. I have this constant sadness, a heaviness in my heart. It actually feels like a physical hurt deep inside me to the core, into my soul. I will forever be changed and will never take anything in life for granted.

Friday, October 17, 2008

To my little angels

My baby angels mommy is missing you so much right now. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I don't know where you are but I hope you are safe and warm. My heart is aching inside to hold you just one more time.....just one more time. I just want to hold you, see you and feel you close to me, like we did at the hospital. Tears keep coming, everytime I think of you. I try to be strong at work and hold it all together but inside I am hurting. I carry a sadness with me where ever I go and no matter what I do. I feel like a part of me died when you left me, I know it did. I will never be the same person, will happiness be in my life again? I go into your room to feel close to you and feel the wallpaper we put up for you and cry. I sit in there thinking of how it was suppossed to be, with you both in your cribs side by side. My dreams for you will never be and it is so hard to take. Why did you have to leave me? I want you back so badly. Daddy misses you both so much. We are both in pain and wish things could be so different. We light a candle for both of you each day beside your special little urns and at night when we blow it out we tell you we love you. The love for a child is like nothing else in this world and when you lose one or two it changes you forever. Saying goodbye to your child is not suppossed to happen. I miss you so much my baby angels, you will be with me forever.
Love Mommy

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Our Story

Where to begin, it has been such a long journey. It will be 3 years this January we started to try for a family. Wow.....3 years...... feels like forever. We finally got pregnant 2 years and 5 months after fertility treatments and we were so happy. The cost was 20K and the emotional cost was even greater. It was going to happen......we were going to be parents and share our lives with a child. 6 weeks into the pregnancy we had our first ultrasound and it was twins. We were overjoyed with excitement also a little scared. To see and hear the heartbeats was the best feeling in the world. I remember tears in my eyes while my heart melted. We both didn't know much about babies and to have 2 on the way was awesome but also scary. Over time we became more and more excited to be having twins. They would grow together, play together and become best friends. We were also scared to buy or do anything since the road to get pregnant wasn't without heartache and failures. We rode the emotional rollercoaster to get pregnant and we were finally getting off the ride.

As time passed and after the morning sickness left I was feeling great. I was growing each week, Thursday's was the day we would take a picture of my growing belly. I would compare it and I loved to see the changes of my body. Then I started to scarpbook the ultrasound pictures and the belly pictures so one day I could show my children how much they were loved even before they were born. I was also making, crocheting baby blankets for them. I was done the first one and starting the second one. I wanted everything to be perfect for them on the day we would bring them home.

Each ultrasound Brielle and Natalie were growing well and getting stronger. I was starting to feel them move inside me and I loved it. I would go home from work to lay still just so I could feel them move to let me know they were okay. I told them so many times I loved them and how excited we were to have them coming. My husband had even felt them a few times move but it seemed like they were always playing hide and seek. It was such an incredible feeling inside me, my babies growing. I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

Then came September 12th, the visit to the maternal fetal specialist. This was the day my world started to crumble around me. Except I didn't know the real world shattering to come. I was immediately put on bedrest due to my cervix shortening a lot and starting to dilate internally. I went home to begin my bedrest. A few days later I was laying in bed, my husband was at work and I noticed my braxton hicks were starting to become more frequent and many more an hour. I called the Dr and he told me to go the hospital. When I got there they admitted me to stay 24 hours to keep an eye on what was going on. Over the night I contracted a little less but to much for my weeks along. I was only 21 weeks at the time. The next morning the ultrasound showed worsening of my cervix. I was scared to death at that moment. The doctors didn't give me much hope of making it, said it seemed like it was an infection. Again I was admitted except this time to stay until my babies were born. They did everything they could, medications for the contractions and antibiotics. Each day I layed there I prayed like I had never prayed before and talked to my babies telling them to stay in there. I had never been so scared in my life. I felt so helpless, and feared the worst.
Monday September 22nd my water broke on baby A at 420am. I remember having really bad contractions they couldn't stop and I think that is what did it. I called my husband immediately telling him he had to get to the hospital right away. I was shaking, my whole body shaking with fear. I was crying and thinking this is it, my babies are not going to make it. Why is this happening? Over the next day the contractions got a little better. The Dr told me they can keep me pregnant as long as I don't start bleeding or have contractions they can't stop or I start a fever. But she was also very honest and told me her gut feeling was that I would go into labor in the next 24 hours.
Well 24 hours almost exactly the contractions got so bad I was in a lot of pain. It was 11pm the next evening. They then took me to labor and delivery were I was induced to have my babies because the infection had gotten bad and I would be putting my life at risk now. I got an epidural since I was in enough emotional and mental pain knowing what was to come.
My babies were born the next day September 23 at 413 and 425pm. They were 22w5d along. The delivery was uneventful and they both were born alive. They lived for just over an hour each and they were perfect. I counted their toes and fingers and held them close to my heart. I can remember what it felt like. I was a mother, I am a mother, my babies are angels. I am a mother and always will be. They may not be here to be held in my arms but they are being held in my heart. I miss them like nothing else in this world. The pain is so great your heart actually hurts. I cry all the time, nothing has to set me off, I just miss them and cry for them. One thing I have learned from this is that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people and never take anything in life for granted. Any pregnancy can have a bad ending no matter how far along you are. Each baby born alive in this world are miracles.
Once again we are on the rollercoaster from hell with no end in sight. One day we will try to concieve again, after we heal inside. It will be a very anxious time for us but we will get through it no matter what. We want to have a healthy baby to bring home, but we will never forget our angel babies no matter what. They will live inside us forever.

Mixed day of emotions, first day back to work

The alarm went off early this morning and I awoke with the immediate thought, "I have to go back to work today". As I was getting ready for work I had to take some deeps breaths to calm myself. I could feel I was so anxious to go back, why, I don't know. Well maybe I do know. I was scared of all the different reactions from people, how I would handle it and to move on with my life doing all the normal things and leave my babies behind.
I got to work early to put pictures of my babies on my locker so I could see them each day. I am so proud of my baby angels I want to share them with everyone. I want everyone to realize they were alive when born and they were babies not a miscarriage. They were almost old enough to have had a chance of survival, but to what degree, no one will ever know.
Being the first person at work was a good idea, which I didn't realize until later. Instead of everyone being there all at once I was able to see most people as they arrived to work. This made it seem a little less overwhelming. I was so unsure of what to expect when I saw everyone.
I was shocked on how different each person reacts to you when you loose your children. Most probably 80% of people gave me a hug and asked how I was doing a few said sorry. And then there were a few people who basically didn't even acknowledge me being there but I knew they were uncomfortable. I will approach these people as I become more comfortable myself being there.
I would say the day was okay, but emotionally exhausting for me. It was a half day and I was ready to leave after my few hours there. I carried a heavy sad feeling inside all day for my babies. I missed them so much it hurt. I thought of them being at home without me there. A few times I went into the bathroom to have a cry, which I had bottled up inside from all the attention I got over the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on my job, my mind was tired, emotionally drained and sad. I thought of my babies a lot over the few hours. I wish so much I could stay home everyday and be with my babies, but I know that can't happen, but I also know I carry them with me where ever I go in my heart. No matter how long I took off work it would never be a right time to go back. Off tomorrow for another half day and then full time next week.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hard Days

The last two days have been especially hard and I don't know why. I have been more depressed sad, and crying then I have been lately. The sadness is so deep within me, it actually hurts. Why did my babies have to die? Why? They were so perfect, so innocent and just wanting to live on this earth. They deserved to live as much as anyone else. I know I will never know the reason for this but it seems so unfair.

I am off to work tomorow. I am so scared of what to expect of other people or myself. I am a private person when it comes to my sad emotions but I know I won't be able to hold it in. There will be tears maybe a lot of them. Some people won't know what to say, others will say the wrong thing not meaning anything bad by it and others will just hug me and say sorry. I work with probably up to about 80 people and it will be over whelming to deal with at first. I appreciate all the support I have recieved from them all but all at once will be scary for me. I am really anxious but I know I have to go back sooner or later. It will never be easy no matter how long I take off. I wish I could just stay at home forever and never get out of bed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

3 weeks with empty arms

Today is the 3 weeks anniversary since I lost my two sweet babies. I am having quite a hard day today, with my emotions all over the place. I am missing them really bad today, my heart aches. I can't believe it has been so long already, the pain feels like it was yesterday. I can still remember the feeling of holding them in my arms and close to my heart. They took my heart and soul with them when they left me. Sometimes I don't know how I will be able to ever go on fully in my life knowing they won't be with me. I had so many hopes and dreams for them that will never be. Dreams that have been shattered and will never be repaired. I am getting my hair colored today, the first time since before I was pregnant. It is a big step for me to do something that I wasn't going to do until they were born, but this day has come sooner than I ever thought it would. Everything I did or didn't do was for them, and now doing the things I didn't do is difficult like getting my hair done or even eating foods I avoided while pregnant. I miss them soooooo much, each day brings new ups and downs, more downs than ups.

When our angels grew wings

On September 23, 2008 our angels grew wings. Brielle and Natalie our twin baby girls entered this world alive after 22w5d of pregnancy. They were born at 413pm and 425pm and were the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. I was so scared at first delivering them but after seeing them peace came over me and I was in LOVE. I new at that moment I was a mother and the feeling was incredible. I was overwhelmed with emotion. Emotion of being a new mother but also the emotion that they wouldn't survive and were going to be taken from this earth and from me. They were placed on my chest after birth and I was so amazed of how perfect they were. Brielle came first and then her sister Natalie came out with a little cry. I will never forget the sound and every moment that happened on that day. My heart is breaking for them and I miss them like nothing else in this world. My husband and I will have them in our hearts forever. This has changed me as a person and how I view this world.