Monday, December 15, 2008

Drowning

Pain shot through me like fire as I read the sign that a new baby was born from a lady I work with. I new it was coming but the actual moment was so unbearably hard to emotionally deal with. Tears streamed my checks and I gasped for air. Was I hypervenilating, or was I dying? I tried catching my breath as I felt like I was going to die. Everything inside me wanted to die, I didn't want to live anymore, I just wanted to be with my babies. Talking with myself, convincing myself I am a strong women I can make it through this. Leaning against the wall as I felt lightheaded, I tried to gather my composure. I had to go out and face the world, do my job and put on a fake smile. HOW? How was I suppossed to deal with the public when I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry, cry for my lost babies. It feels like you are drowning, like you can't get air, your lungs won't function, and you are slowly suffocating but you stay alive. You make it through each moment, each day and you survive. You wonder how you survive, and will you continue to survive with the coming heartaches and pains you will have to endure.

4 comments:

Krista said...

I have been there so many times- actually 6 times last week alone! Praying that you will find peace.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Absolutely. That feeling is all consuming. In the middle of my waiting room I was crying to my sister underneath my desk because sometimes it just cannot be contained. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and I can only imagine what that must have been like. Hugs.

Erica said...

I found your blog today. I just wanted to tell you, you aren't alone. I am so sorry you have to feel like this. It is so hard when others around you get pregnant or have babies, when your babies should be here with you. We lost our little girl in March and people continue to have babies. I'm sending you a hug mama. I wish I could take your pain away.
Erica

Anonymous said...

I saw your birth announcement on baby center. I wanted to say how beautiful your blog is, and how sorry I am for your losses. I lost a son 18 years ago, I was about 6 months. I got to hold him like you got to hold the girls. It brought tears to my eyes reading all you said. You and your husband are amazing and strong. I will keep reading. ~Hugs, and Happy Holidays to you both~Amanda, Wisconsin