I made it!

Well, it is finally over. I have been waiting for this day to arrive, the day's after Christmas. The anxiety leading up to the holiday was horrible, the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My husband and I had a quiet day, just the two of us. I am glad we didn't have family events to go to, it would have been hard to put on the fake smile. We had put our tree up, with the decoration for our babies, but we didn't do presents for each other. We knew the 09 year was going to bring expenses again to try to get pregnant.
I did think a lot about my brother and his wife who just the day before Christmas brought home their new baby. I am happy for them, but jealousy is also a strong feeling. I was suppossed to be brining home my babies, or getting ready to have them. Christmas day was to be 36 weeks for me, I would have been huge and so ready to be a mother.
In the evening after dinner I sat at the table where we have their little urns and all the memories of them. The candles were lit, relecting against the pictures of their names in the sand. It was very peaceful. I talked to them, telling them I missed them so very much and that I loved them more then anything in this world. I usually cry when I sit with them but not that night. A sense of peace came over me, like they were beside me letting me know they were there and it was going to be alright.
I am starting to feel ready to try to get pregnant again. The New Year of 09 will, or should be a better year. Not much worse can happen. Definately 08 has been the worst year of my life. I will continue to be a fighter and the drive and want to be a mother to a living child will overcome the fear I have to be pregnant again, and have another loss. I wish everyone a good New Years and to all the women out in the world who have lost a child, may you find peace, and get pregnant in 09 if you are trying.