Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's finally over, on to 2009

Well, the last day of the worst year of my life is taking place right now. I look back at all I have been through and I am amazed I am still breathing. There were times I thought I wouldn't be able to come up for a breath, but I survived the year from HELL.

Fighting through the fertility treatments, negative after negative each month, then injections for 2 weeks in my stomach and then finally the second line appeared. I was speachless, shocked and so happy. We were going to have a baby, our dream was finally going to happen after almost 3 years at the time. Then our world crumbled apart, to change us forever and to see the world very differently. The loss of our babies will live forever in our broken hearts.

A new year is approaching and I want to have optimism but I am scared to soften my hard shell I have made around myself. So many bad things have happened in the past 3 years of trying to have a child, I wonder if it will ever happen, and will the past repeat itself. I say to people and sometimes to myself that 2009 is going to be a good year, my year to finally have something go right, but in the back of my mind I doubt the good will ever come. I feel I am at the bottom of the pile of shit, it can only get better from here, right? We'll see, I am going to keep my head up high and fight on. These last few years have proven to myself that I am a fighter and I will keep fighting for what I want so badly, to be a mother to a living healthy child.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, good fortune and peace in 2009.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

I made it!

Well, it is finally over. I have been waiting for this day to arrive, the day's after Christmas. The anxiety leading up to the holiday was horrible, the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My husband and I had a quiet day, just the two of us. I am glad we didn't have family events to go to, it would have been hard to put on the fake smile. We had put our tree up, with the decoration for our babies, but we didn't do presents for each other. We knew the 09 year was going to bring expenses again to try to get pregnant.
I did think a lot about my brother and his wife who just the day before Christmas brought home their new baby. I am happy for them, but jealousy is also a strong feeling. I was suppossed to be brining home my babies, or getting ready to have them. Christmas day was to be 36 weeks for me, I would have been huge and so ready to be a mother.
In the evening after dinner I sat at the table where we have their little urns and all the memories of them. The candles were lit, relecting against the pictures of their names in the sand. It was very peaceful. I talked to them, telling them I missed them so very much and that I loved them more then anything in this world. I usually cry when I sit with them but not that night. A sense of peace came over me, like they were beside me letting me know they were there and it was going to be alright.
I am starting to feel ready to try to get pregnant again. The New Year of 09 will, or should be a better year. Not much worse can happen. Definately 08 has been the worst year of my life. I will continue to be a fighter and the drive and want to be a mother to a living child will overcome the fear I have to be pregnant again, and have another loss. I wish everyone a good New Years and to all the women out in the world who have lost a child, may you find peace, and get pregnant in 09 if you are trying.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to my babies, Brielle and Natalie. Mommy and Daddy wish you were here with us today. We miss you so much and are thinking of you a lot today. I feel you in my heart but not in my arms. I hope you are at peace where ever you are and please know I am always thinking of you. Love you and miss you lots.

Monday, December 15, 2008


Pain shot through me like fire as I read the sign that a new baby was born from a lady I work with. I new it was coming but the actual moment was so unbearably hard to emotionally deal with. Tears streamed my checks and I gasped for air. Was I hypervenilating, or was I dying? I tried catching my breath as I felt like I was going to die. Everything inside me wanted to die, I didn't want to live anymore, I just wanted to be with my babies. Talking with myself, convincing myself I am a strong women I can make it through this. Leaning against the wall as I felt lightheaded, I tried to gather my composure. I had to go out and face the world, do my job and put on a fake smile. HOW? How was I suppossed to deal with the public when I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry, cry for my lost babies. It feels like you are drowning, like you can't get air, your lungs won't function, and you are slowly suffocating but you stay alive. You make it through each moment, each day and you survive. You wonder how you survive, and will you continue to survive with the coming heartaches and pains you will have to endure.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Fertility Specialist Appt.

Well my RE appt is coming up on Tuesday and I am getting nervous, excited and all the feelings in between. I am worried things are going to be grime about trying when we want to in Jan. I guess I am feeling like everything else in the last 3 years with fertility treatments, and losing my twins has gone terribly wrong why not something else to end the worst year of my life. I will be doing injections again, yuck, to get preg like last time. I am not looking forward to walking into that office again so soon. I thought it was going to be a few years, but here I am again. They called me at work on Friday to ask why I was coming in, wondering if I thought I should come in while being pregnant? I told them what happened about the loss and they were sorry, but it hurt to have to say it. I knew I would be telling why when I got there but for some reason the rest of the day on Friday was a downer for me after that. I will let you all know what happpens after my appt. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How am I surviving?

Have you ever wondered if you are going to survive? Why haven't you lost it yet? Had a emotional, mental break down?

Being told the statement, "I don't know how you are doing it", made me stop to ask myself, how am I doing it?. Telling the person that I didn't have a choice, I had to move on and get myself out of bed each morning, was a defense mechanism to keep my emotions from spilling out. Deep inside I am not making it. I hurt each day I open my eyes to another day without my Brielle and Natalie with me. I fear the conversations I hear, the people I see and the thoughts in my head. Each day has pending pain, just waiting to come at me. I never know where, when or how it will happen, I just keep my senses alert so I can avoid as many potential ones as possible. I never knew heartache pain could actually be felt physically. Like a broken heart.

I am living two different lives inside me each day. There is the reality of life, I am no longer pregnant with my babies, my babies are in heaven (I hope there is a heaven), I will have yet another year at Christmas with no children, and I have to go through the pain and heartache of fertility treatments again. I know this is reality but the other part of my thoughts live another dimension of my memories.

Thursday of each week is a new week to what was suppossed to be my pregnancy, I would be almost 34 weeks. I count each week and think of what I would have been like, big, happy, scared, but overjoyed with excitement of the pending birth. My babies should be born very, very soon. They would have been happy and healthy, and would have been coming home with us to meet their doggies who would have protected them. I am so afraid that after the date that they would have been born, I will start the new thoughts of memories that I should have 2 babies home with me and being on maternity leave. Sometimes I feel like I am living a split personality, but I know what is reality and not. I know it is normal to have these thoughts because my pregnancy was over so abruptly, to soon with a devastating outcome.

There are days when I think I am losing it or close to it. There are many moments at work each day, tears come into my eyes and I have to wipe them away and carry on with my job. This time of year is so hard for me. Christmas, when my babies should have been born, knowing my brother and his wife are having their baby soon, hearing of others at work being pregnant and knowing 2008 will be the worst year of my life. I really don't know how much more I can take before I truly have a mental breakdown. I guess I am stronger then I think, we all are, the women who I talk with on babycenter, are all very strong.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas tree

Well I finally got the courage to put my Christmas Tree up. It's beautiful with my babies ornament on it. I have lights, ribbon, bows and their ornament. I love it. I actually got into doing the decorating, more then I thought I would. I am learning that the anxiety leading up to something is a lot worse then the actual event itself. I am proud of myself for accomplishing it, without even one tear. Lots of sad thoughts but no tears. It gives me a sense of peace with the approaching holiday, like I will be able to get through it. I will take it day by day and not to be to hard on myself. I hope you all like the pictures I have put up.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Christmas Fear

I haven't written to much lately, been busy with keeping my head above the waters during the upcoming holiday. Christmas, is suppossed to be my favorite time of year, it was, until the horrible nightmare I went through this year made me see it in a different view. The lights, music, tree, dinner and the presents don't mean anything to me anymore since losing Brielle and Natalie. I see it now as a day to spend with family, except my family dreams and reality have been shattered. Shattered into memories, pain, anguish and longing. You know the saying, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"? All I want for Christmas is to wake up from this nightmare with my beautiful babies in my arms alive and breathing. A present I will never get and I know this but it doesn't make the pain any easier.

Lately there are so many things that have been hurtful and hard to deal with. I am struggling with the idea of putting up my tree. My mind and I have this conversation daily, I am strong enough, I will put my tree up, and then I am at home and my heart can't let it happen. It is a constant battle. I bought this ornament for Brielle and Natalie with their names on it and its purpose was to be on the tree, but if I don't put it up, their first Christmas ornament won't have a special place to hang to be looked at daily. Maybe this weekend I will gather myself up and decorate a little.

Hearing Christmas music in the store, and at work on the radio is giving me a knot in my stomach. I love the music but for some reason it makes me feel ill to hear it. I wish I could turn off my ears as needed to tune it out. January 09 can't come to soon to save my sanity. Some days I feel like I could have a break down with all the anxiety and panic building up.

The Christmas cards in the mail are another reminder of the day approaching. I usually like getting them and giving them but I don't care this year. I find the ones with pictures of people's children and expecially grandchildren extremely painful and mostly I feel they are inconciderate and inappropriate. I mean, what are they thinking, that after only 10 weeks I would want these pictures flaunted in my face, a reminder of what I don't have and what I will never have? Some people can be so hurtful when they don't think before acting. I wouldn't ever think of sending pictures like those to a grieving mother and father after losing their children. And with Christmas coming, what a lack of feelings and compassion.