Its been awhile.....

Its been awhile since I wrote on here. I haven't really known what to say, but I have lots to say. I know that doesn't make sense but things are very messed up with my head with all my anxiety and emotions right now.

My pregnancy is going well. Every 2 weeks I see my high risk OB, baby and my body are doing well. Next appt is May 4th, and we will hopefully find out the sex of the baby. I am now 15 1/2 weeks and feeling good. I know my anxiety level is starting to rise. I feel the fear mounting inside as I approach the later weeks of the teens and the early 20's. I lost Brielle and Natalie at 22w5d and I know those times during this pregnancy will be extremely hard for me. A few nights ago I had a bad dream. My dream was about my cervix doing the samething as last time, but we caught it earlier. I woke up and was unable to fall asleep again for a while. Even as I write this, thinking of it all makes me worried. I know the doctors are watching me closely but what happens if they don't catch something in time? I don't know if I could go through another loss, what will it do to me?

I have been taking it easy at work and at home. My husband is so good, helping with everything around the house and being so understanding. I love him so much, I hope he knows. The people at work have also been really good. They look out for me, and I appreciate it from my heart. I am fortunate to work with people who care about me and my baby.

I promise to update more often.

MFM appointment

On Wed we went to my maternal fetal specialist appt and everything is looking good. The baby is measuring 4 days ahead of me for dates and my cervix is doing well. It was a really good appt, the Dr took time with us and discussed many things. There still isn't any answers to what happened last time, and there never will be. So many thing could have played a role. I did learn that I had a 50% abruption of my placenta (placenta pulls away from the uterus wall and dies, sometimes causing bleeding and pain which I never had), which is an important thing to watch for in the future. Abruptions can be deadly for the mother and baby. One more thing to add to the many things to watch for this pregnancy. I go back to see him in 2 weeks.

I am still having a hard time attaching myself to this baby, not in fear of lossing him/her, but it almost doesn't feel real yet. I see the baby on ultrasound moving around but the excitement still isn't quite what it was last time. I guess it is normal to feel this way. I have rented myself a doppler to listen to the heartbeat, hoping this will help me feel closer to this baby. I should recieve it in a few days.

March of Dimes

My husband and I are walking in the March of Dimes walk on April 25th for premature babies, babies born with birth defects and babies who are born to early to survive. We are walking in memory of our angels Brielle and Natalie who we miss each and everyday. With each person who donates money to sponsor us for such a great cause, we can fight against premature births and give future babies a better chance of survival and being born healthy at term. I thank you in advance for your support. If you want to walk with us on this day, you can visit our site at www. marchforbabies.org/656803 or you can make a donation.

Mixed up

Since becoming pregnant again I find myself missing by angels even more. The last while has been difficult with trying to be positive about this baby being born alive and healthy and still grieving my babies. What a mix of emotions everyday brings. I just had a good cry for Brielle and Natalie who would be over 2 months old now if they were born around 35 weeks. I wonder what they would look like, would their personalities be different or similar? How my life would be so different, being off work, changing dozens of diapers, being tired all the time and loving every minute of it. But I have to look into what should have been and look into my future now at the sametime. I know part of these thoughts and emotions are because I am pregnant again, with hormones all over the place and also being scared it will all happen again.

I have told some people at work I am pregnant again, and I find most (not all) people's reactions to be not as cheery as it was the last time. I think people are scared for me, I think. I haven't had very many people say congrats, and I know more people know then I told, since my work is a grapevine. A few people knowing leads to everyone knowing. Last time people came up to me constantly to congrat me but this time they don't say anything to me, and I just figure they don't really know what to say, since last time it ended so badly. Maybe I am just being sensitive but it bothers me. I want the congratulations, it is a new pregnancy for me, and a try at a new beginning. I'm not sure how to take it all. I guess it is what it is, and I just need to think of myself and my baby. Not worry about what anyone else thinks.

I know the innocent pregnancy world has been taken away from me, and maybe others at work. Who knows, maybe what happened to me made people realize pregnancy doesn't always end up with a perfect baby. I wish I could go back and feel the bliss of pregnancy but reality is what it is and I will always be on guard of what can happen next.

New Hope

Well yesterday was my first appt with my regular OB doctor. My husband and I were very nervous, expecting to hear the worst. I couldn't believe my ears when he said he wasn't considering me high risk. WOW. I even double checked with him, by asking many questions starting with "even though this and this happened"? He reassured us that since my last pregnancy was twins, and with other events it was completely different then the last time. He expressed the new hope, of this being a good pregnancy and I will make it to term and deliver a healthy alive baby. I felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders, but a few pounds are there and always will be until I can hold my baby in my arms. October can't come fast enough. I have choosen to see my specialist around 12 weeks to discuss with them what they think. I want peace of mind, with every thing I can. If they tell me the samething I will be even more optimistic. I am going to have measurements of my cervix regularly to make sure everything is okay. All the Dr's seem to think I didn't have any incompetent cervix but I just want to keep an eye on things to ease my mind. We are more optimistic now then before but still in the back of my mind I can't help wonder if this will really happen for us.

My New Miracle

Sorry it took so long to update my blog. I have been tired, tired, and tired. This pregnancy is taking everything out of me. I wasn't this tired during my last one, but each pregnancy is different.

Well we went to our appointment on Wed and it was great. The anticipation leading up to the ultrasound was intense but once we had it done everything was wonderful. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. There is one beautiful baby, with a great sounding strong heartbeat. We are so very happy to be only having one baby even though part of us feel like twins is such a special event. That special event will be forever for our Brielle and Natalie. Having a single baby will give us the best hope for carrying this pregnancy to term or as close as possible to it. The official due date is Oct 12, 2009. It seems so far away. The time right now is going so slowing. Even though tomorrow I will be 7 weeks I wish it could go faster. I want to be out of the first trimester, but then I will also know the second trimester will be even more stressful then the first one. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in Oct with a healthy alive baby in my arms. I dream already of the day to say hello to my baby, boy or girl, hoping it will be a day leading to many more days to be together.

Anticipation

Anticipation is growing in me as the days go by. Each day we get closer to WED the day of our first ultrasound I find myself getting more and more nervous. My husband and I were talking the other day and it is funny how we are both anxious for different reasons. I find myself praying there is a heartbeat. It will be devastating to me to not see a heartbeat, to have to lose this baby so early after I have begun to bond already, something I told myself I wouldn't do but I can't help myself. My husband is anxious about how many babies we will see. He thinks there will be a heartbeat but how many? I believe this time we will have one baby. I am counting down the days till we go. I know my nerves will be all over the place as we wait in the waiting room. Excitement, nervousness, scared and worried of the unknown. Mixture of feeling and emotions as we wait for the first moment to meet our new baby to hopefully join our lives on earth.

Beta's

Monday was the first day for my blood work to confirm my pregnancy. The results came back at 356. I think it is a little high, my last pregnancy it was 419 at the same time line. So I am hoping it is only a singleton, but will deal with whatever happens. Today was my second test result and it was 660. SOOOOO everything so far is looking great. I now have to wait until Tuesday next week to do one more blood test and then we will be scheduling my ultrasound. I can't wait to see the heartbeat. I remember last time what a wonderful feeling it was to see and hear my babies heartbeats. This should be in 2 weeks. I can't wait to meet my baby.

So far I don't have many symptoms, except being tired all the time. Pregnancy in the first trimester sure takes the wind out of your sails, finding energy is hard. I would love to sleep all the time. I am not taking the few symptoms for granted since last time at exactly 6 weeks the morning sickness kicked in. I hope I don't get it this time, but will be happy to have whatever I get, I am just so happy to be pregnant again. Today I am 4weeks, and 2 days. The time seems to be going slowly. It is so early but I am trying so hard to be positive and not dwell on all the bad things that can happen. I am scared but also excited.

UPDATE!!!!!!

Well I guess many of you are wondering what has been going on with me. My gut feeling this month didn't work, that I wasn't pregnant. Well to my surprise, I AM PREGNANT! I couldn't believe my eyes. I was thinking it was wrong, it was still my trigger shot in my system giving me a false positive. So I took test after test, each day and I am now finally convinced it is for real. I have taken 6 tests in total. I can't believe it happened so fast on the first try this time. I am soooo very excited, but cautiously excited and optimistic. Tomorrow (Monday) I will be calling my doctor to get some blood work done over the next few days to make sure my hormone levels are rising properly. Then in a few weeks I will have my ultrasound to hopefully see a heartbeat. Keep you fingers and toes crossed for me.

For those who I work with and are reading this, I ask you to please keep this news to yourself. I want to make sure everything is fine before I tell others. Only a few close people who read this will know. I appreciate you discretion.

Pregnancy Test!

Due Date

Missing Brielle and Natalie as each day goes by, gets a little easier but it will never be easy. I have learned to make peace with it, and carry them forever in my heart and soul. The ache of wanting to hold them and mother them is still so strong, never will it be on this earth but one day when we meet again With my due date being today, I think of them continually and reflect and remember the moments we had together. Seeing them as they were born, fighting to stay alive and holding them in my arms. These memories burning in my brain forever.

I am home from work today and the house seems extra quiet as I sit here and write this. A stillness in the air that should be filled with crying and crazy caos. Also tomorrow marks the 4 months since I held them. How fast time goes, and it sometimes it feels just like yesterday.

As I am now in my 2 week wait of finding out if I am pregnant or not, I think more about Brielle and Natalie. I know they are happy for us to try again, to give them a brother or sister. I am scared to find out I am not pregnant, to have to do the injections again and the heartache of once again seeing a negative. Over the last 3 years with so many negatives it gets harder with each one, with the want to be a mother so bad. And now after losing my babies, a negative would strike so much harder. I am also scared to see that I am pregnant again. To begin the journey of getting through the first trimester without a miscarriage, and then to approach the weeks when everything went so very wrong with my last pregnancy. Each doctors visit won't be reassuring, since last time I went to my regular OB and everything seemed fine (no ultrasound) and then the next day to be on bedrest from my maternal fetal specialist after seeing dilating on the ultrasound. I am also going to be scared to work. Last time before being told I was dilating I was contracting a lot as I moved around at work, thinking it was branxton hicks contractions not knowing I was in preterm labor. It could happen again and I am worried my job will make it happen again. I am scared to death, and I know my manager won't care, since it is all about work numbers to her and she doesn't see her employees as people with feelings and issues.

Brielle and Natalie, mommy and daddy miss you so very much. We wish you could be here with us to be loved by so many. As our due date together is here we think now of how it would be to have both of you keeping us so very busy. Our lives would be so different right now, our lives being for you. I know you are in a better place and that gives me some comfort but I do believe the best place would be here with me. I hold a lot of sadness in my heart, a sadness that will be with me forever. The deepth of the pain no one will ever understand unless they have experienced the loss of a child. Love you my angels, I know you are looking down on us.

Missing 2008 in a weird way

I can't believe it is already the middle of Jan 09 already. The time is passing so quickly and I am almost at what is called in the fertility world, the 2ww (2 week wait). Monday I go into the doctor and then about 14-16 days after I will know if I am once again pregnant. I am praying it will work this time, the first time so we can have a baby born in 09.

With all this happening in my life, I am starting to miss 2008. It was the best and worst year of my life. I remember seeing the little faint line on my first positive pregnancy test, showing my husband and the disbelief that is was finally happening. I tested 3 days in a row, each day the line got darker. We were so excited. As I write this my heart feels the thrill, excitement and dreams we once had and then the sadness sets in deep within. 2008 was the year I got pregnant, was happier then I had ever been in my life, and the year all my dreams crumbled around me. I miss the happy times we had for 22 weeks and 5 days, while Brielle and Natalie grew stronger each day. I also miss 08 for the day my babies were born, it feels like now that they are not alive with us I want 2008 back to be in the year they were born. Knowing that Sept 23, 09 will not be the day I would be having a huge birthday party it will be the day I will remember and miss them so badly, and wonder what they would have been like at a year old. Call me crazy but 2008 has so many memories that I wish we could go back, and take it all in again. I wish I could tell all pregnant women to absorb it all in, don't complain about the pregnancy symptoms, to enjoy them as much as possible because it can be taken from you so fast. But I know it would be out of line to say that and they wouldn't really truely understand what and why I was saying that. Since they are all in the glory of being pregnant and thinking that once you are past the first trimester you are going to have a living healthy baby. I call it the pregnancy, uninformed brain. If I only knew.

So this evening is my last shot in my belly and from here it is the luck of nature to do its thing. I am so ready to be pregnant again, to once again begin the journey of living my life for my developing baby. To give up things I love to give my baby the best chance possible. I know it will never be the happy, blissful pregnancy I had with Brielle and Natalie, it will be a happy, but a scary journey.

Finally an Update!

I haven't posted in a while, I don't really know why, but I felt it was time to update my blog. I know there are a several people who read my blog and I wasn't sure what I wanted to put on here. Then I realized this blog was mostly for myself to put my thoughts and feelings on paper, so I am going to say it all.

There are a lot of things that have happened lately in my life. I guess the first thing is my appointment with my fertility specialist. A few weeks ago, I was sitting once again in the waiting room of the office and thinking and feeling like I had never left. Like I was never pregnant, and was still striving toward the one goal I want more than anything in this world. I was called in and my heart was pounding. It sucked to be back much sooner then I thought. The 3 years I thought I would not be in that office turned into a very short 9 months. After reliving the experience telling the doctor what happened, we left with the hopes of trying to get pregnant again in the near future. Over the next few weeks after seeing my doctor, he ordered some blood work to rule out blood clotting disorders. Thankfully they all came back normal.

All my doctors think something different happened to cause the preterm labor. My regular OB thinks I got an infection from the genetic testing I did at 11 weeks and it took time to brew and caused the preterm labor and delivery. I had finally made peace with this, that I caused this to happen, and told myself it would never happen again so any subsequent pregnancies would be fine. Now my fertility specialist who also focused in forensics says he thinks the infection came after dilating from preterm labor and the infection started once baby A's water broke. He thinks the preterm labor was from a combo of the genetic testing, carrying multiples etc. and who knows if it will happen again. Well he didn't actually say the last part of it may happening again, but he did say never again would I carry multiples. If there is a risk of that happening he will cancel the cycle for that month. So now I am extra freeked out, what will future pregnancies be like? Will they go to term? Will I lose another baby? Only time will tell. My want and desire to be pregnant and give birth to a living baby is greater then my fear of having another loss. I have been through so much over the last 4 months, and have realized how strong I am as a person.

We have now decided we are ready and have embarked on the crazy journey of trying to get pregnant again. I am taking a different medication this time to hopefully prevent me from overstimulating like last time, to prevent multiples. As of tonight I have given myself 2 injections in my stomach. The needles aren't to bad, 1/2 inch long but very fine. I barely feel them going in. I give myself an injection each evening for about 10 days or so. I go back to the doctor on Tues for another ultrasound to see how things are going, to determine if the medications dose is good or needs to be changed. I hate having to do the injections, take the meds, but I have to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. The money isn't easy to take either. This month cost us 2400. Hopefully it works on the first month.

With my baby's due date coming up on the 23rd of January, I am missing them a lot these last few days. I am exctied about trying again, but my grief and sadness for my baby's Brielle and Natalie is still so strong. Learning about others at work having their baby's around now, when I was due is hard to hear, but I struggle through it. I swallow the lumps in my throat and blink away the tears. My heart aches each day for them, knowing they should have been born by now, and keeping me from sleeping. I now think of them, as they should be here with me in my arms, and not about being what week in my pregnancy. Now I will always think about the age they would have been and the milestones they would have made it to.

As I adventure through these murky waters once again, I know I will need the support of my friends and family to help me through it. I am terrified of the worst happening again, not knowing how things will go. Please be there for me, to support, hug when needed and to listen when I need to talk about things. I have made some really great friends through this journey and I am so very grateful to have them. At first I didn't want anyone to know I was trying again, for fear of being judged for trying so soon, but no one knows what it is like to be me. To want to be a mother so badly, to have only felt it for only a few hours, while it was being taken away from me. This blog is my journey through life and all the things that go with it. This journey has now reached the 3 year mark, and I feel like I am spinning my wheels once again. WILL I EVER GET THERE?