Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Time goes so quickly

Today is 5 weeks since Brielle and Natalie left me. I can't believe how fast time goes. Some days or moments it seems like yesterday they were born, the emotions at times are still so raw. Over the weekend I was thinking it may be time to find a shelf for their urns and memory items and put the rest away but my husband said he wasn't ready for that I realized I wasn't either. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought I was stronger than I really am, or maybe I thought it would help me start to move on. But wait, I am moving on, I am functioning, I am going to work and I am beginning to smile and laugh again. Though a constant sadness surrounds me no matter what I am doing even during the laughs and smiles, it is less than the first weeks after my loss. It scares me to think my pain has lessened, I cry a little less, and can begin to think about the future, but I know deep inside my heart I will never forget. That used to be my biggest fear when I lost Brielle and Natalie, that I would start to forget if I went on with my life, but I have come to the realization that could never happen. As long as I am alive they will live on in me, in my heart.

We have talked about TTC again in the New Year, a part of me is okay with the thought but the other part is scared. We want a baby to bring home to be parents so badly but I am scared to be pregnant and to form a bond with another baby who may leave me. I don't know if emotionally I could take another loss. Fearing I won't form a new bond because I will always think or wish they were Brielle and Natalie, also scares me. I want them so badly to be inside me, me being pregnant again with them, being so happy. The logical side of me knows a new baby won't replace them and a new pregnancy won't bring them back. And that I will form a new love and bond inside of me but my emotional side will wish it was Brielle and Natalie. Is that fair to a future baby to think that? I don't know if these feelings of wanting to be pregnant again but only with Brielle and Natalie are normal at this time. I hope as time passes and their projected birth time goes by, I will know I would not have been pregnant with them anymore and be able to move past these thoughts.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Reminders everywhere

It seems like no matter where I go or what I do in this new life......new normal, there are reminders of what is no longer. My husband and I went for dinner and everything from the salad dressing (which had raw egg) to the booth we sat in was a reminder of what I have lost. These are things I wouldn't be doing if I was still pregnant. It was so hard to not run out of the restaurant to escape the pain and memories. At this time I would be 27 weeks and I wouldn't have fit in the booth with my belly. I wonder how big I would be now? Would I be on couch/bedrest now? Would my ankels be swollen? These are thoughts I have and I will never know the answers. It is so painful to not be able to know what it would have been like. I would give anything to go back, to have my babies alive in my belly, living the uncomfortable but wonderful pregnancy life.

I still cry many times a day, and carry a longing and sadness with me. A longing to hold my babies, to hear them cry, to see their first smiles, first laughs, and first words. I will never get to experience the firsts with Brielle and Natalie. It is a pain I will carry for the rest of my life. I will think of first birthdays, first day of school, graduating college, getting married, and having their own babies. I feel robbed of what could have been.

I now wonder what is next for me in life. Will I get pregnant again, will I have a healthy living baby to bring home, or will I have more sadness and pain in my life. The last 3 years have been a very difficult time. I new it had changed me even before the loss of Brielle and Natalie with all the fertility treatments. Now I am a very different person. I need to find who I am now, and get to know her. I liked who I used to be, she was fun, liked to laugh and joked around. Maybe one day she will be back but it is to painful inside for her to come out right now. Maybe in time.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

One Month

I can't beleive it has been one month since my angels grew wings. Brielle and Natalie left their imprint in my heart forever. I am off work today to reflect on the week leading up to and the day they were born. It is amazing how fresh the images are still in my mind. I remember everything from each moment like it was yesterday. It plays in my mind over and over like a movie. I can still feel them in my arms when I held them. God this is so hard. I am alone today for awhile and I am so very sad. I sat at the table with their few items and had a cry. I miss them so much and wish they could still be inside me growing strong. All I have is their memory now. I try to think of the good things. The moment they were born, holding them in my arms telling them I loved them, the feeling of being a mother, the sound of their heartbeats when monitored, the feeling of them kicking me and every inch of their precious little bodies and faces. I will carry these memories with me for the rest of my life. I know every mother who looses a child agonizes over the thought of having them back one more time. I think this all the time of each day and wish I could hold them just for a moment. To feel their little bodies close to me again. I know this will not be. I am trying to be strong so I can heal. I want to find some goodness in all this pain. I think one day I will move on in my job or life, and help others in some way who are dealing with this. I feel this is a calling for me to try to make a difference. One day we will try to conceive again and I know any living children will have angels Brielle and Natalie looking over them.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Day from HELL

I have always heard since I lost Brielle and Natalie, that people will all of a sudden think you should be "over it" like as if you lost your parent or your dog. Well I can say now I think I have experienced it. Work was going as well as it could be today until the unexpected phone call came in and I happened to be standing at the desk where it was receieved. One of the guys I work with called to announce that he and his wife delivered their baby girl into the world earier today. All of a sudden the person on the phone said things out loud to the other people who were standing around there. Things like, what time she was born, weight and all of the other usual things and peoples excitement grew in the air. I immediately left the area heading for the bathroom because I could feel the knives stabbing in me, and my thoughts racing about my babies. The second the door closed I started to cry, and cry and cry. I couldn't gather myself together, and just held it in as much as possible so I could leave the bathroom to work. I would sit at a desk eating my lunch staring at the wall and cry some more. There were people around but I didn't care at the time. Usually I care when I cry around people but this time was differnt. The emotions I was feeling were so raw and painful it didn't matter anymore. A guy I work with was nice. He put his hand on my back and asked me if I was having a bad moment, and said he was sorry and I could tell he was sincere. I appreciated that, because I started to realize all the other people around didn't even acknowledge I was upset. It was like they didn't notice or didn't care. Or thought I should be getting better and getting OVER IT. After awhile of crying and looking horrible my supervisor realized I was in no shape to be working with patients and sent me home. I got to my car and cried my eyes out again, like I did in the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach that I was having to deal with all this pain and sadness and it also makes me angry. I HATE THIS, IT SUCKS SO BAD, its not fair.

It felt like I was reliving the whole day of losing my baby Brielle and Natalie. The pain was so fresh again. I wonder to myself, will I ever be able to hear things like this in the future and keep my composure? Will I ever be able to see a pregnant women or baby and not get the knot sick feeling in the pit of my stomach? Will I ever be the same person and be happy for other people?

At work I live in my own little bubble, which can burst at any moment. A bubble where I float around in my mind with my lost babies memories and no one notices the pain I carry with me. Like nothing happened and I should be back to my old self. I feel so isolated in this bubble I live in, almost like I am invisible, or my pain is. I know people don't understand the depth of the pain in my heart and soul but I would think people would try. It seems like after all the hugs and sorry's have been done everyone has forgotten what I have lost. I have lost my precious babies Brielle and Natalie, my dreams and hopes for them, my furture with them and my innocence of a happy healthy pregnancy and delivery of my so desired and wanted babies. My life has been changed forever and I have been changed forever. I will never be the same person, I am a new person with a new view of the world.

Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of Brielle and Natalie's short lives. I have taken the day off work, since I would be thinking of them to much to concentrate at work. I will be the only person who realizes this besides my mom, husband and maybe a few very close friends (maybe). It is going to be a day of rememberence and sadness. A month goes by so fast, to fast when you want so badly to go back to that day and hold them one more time.

Monday, October 20, 2008

First full day of work

My first full day at work was emotional in the morning. I felt a deep sadness inside, missing my babies Brielle and Natalie. They were on my mind more than normal today, compared to last week. I'm not sure why, maybe because it was the first full day I would not be at home with them. I keep my tears inside while I am at work. A few times today I had to have a cry in the bathroom to release the sadness I was holding in. I try not to cry at work in front of people because I don't know how people would react, or how I would feel about it. I don't know, maybe its silly to worry about that but I do. The emotions I feel inside make me feel isolated, like no one else really understands. I feel alone, very alone.

Each time I am at work I think, maybe I came back to soon. I should have taken a few more weeks off, but never would it have been a good time to go back. Whenever things get a little stressful I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I start to miss Brielle and Natalie even more at these times and get very emotional. I know my hormones and emotions are all over the place right now. Stressful times seem to make we think about how things should be right now, me being pregnant and being happy and being able to handle any situation with a straight head. I'm not sure how to keep these feelings at bay while I am at work. I am worried one day things will get bad enough and I will just have a break down.

Not having my babies with me in this world, SUCKS and is soooooo PAINFUL. It just sucks that I have to deal with this in my life with everything else that has gone wrong over the years. I feel like this has aged me 10 years and changed my view of the world. I am angry, sad, depressed and just don't care about very many things anymore. When I hear about 15 year olds and crack whores getting pregnant and giving their babies away or treating them horribly it boils my blood. Going though fertility treatments was hard enough to read about these things now its painfully hard to read it. I even have a hard time right now seeing pregnant women. Each time I see someone pregnant, it feels like a knife in my heart, into my soul. I am suppossed to be pregnant and getting ready to bring my babies into this world, and love them like a mother would. It is suppossed to be one of the happiest times in my life and it is the saddest time in my life.

I find it theraputic to write to express myself. I miss my babies more than anyone could imagine. I have this constant sadness, a heaviness in my heart. It actually feels like a physical hurt deep inside me to the core, into my soul. I will forever be changed and will never take anything in life for granted.

Friday, October 17, 2008

To my little angels

My baby angels mommy is missing you so much right now. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you. I don't know where you are but I hope you are safe and warm. My heart is aching inside to hold you just one more time.....just one more time. I just want to hold you, see you and feel you close to me, like we did at the hospital. Tears keep coming, everytime I think of you. I try to be strong at work and hold it all together but inside I am hurting. I carry a sadness with me where ever I go and no matter what I do. I feel like a part of me died when you left me, I know it did. I will never be the same person, will happiness be in my life again? I go into your room to feel close to you and feel the wallpaper we put up for you and cry. I sit in there thinking of how it was suppossed to be, with you both in your cribs side by side. My dreams for you will never be and it is so hard to take. Why did you have to leave me? I want you back so badly. Daddy misses you both so much. We are both in pain and wish things could be so different. We light a candle for both of you each day beside your special little urns and at night when we blow it out we tell you we love you. The love for a child is like nothing else in this world and when you lose one or two it changes you forever. Saying goodbye to your child is not suppossed to happen. I miss you so much my baby angels, you will be with me forever.
Love Mommy

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Our Story

Where to begin, it has been such a long journey. It will be 3 years this January we started to try for a family. Wow.....3 years...... feels like forever. We finally got pregnant 2 years and 5 months after fertility treatments and we were so happy. The cost was 20K and the emotional cost was even greater. It was going to happen......we were going to be parents and share our lives with a child. 6 weeks into the pregnancy we had our first ultrasound and it was twins. We were overjoyed with excitement also a little scared. To see and hear the heartbeats was the best feeling in the world. I remember tears in my eyes while my heart melted. We both didn't know much about babies and to have 2 on the way was awesome but also scary. Over time we became more and more excited to be having twins. They would grow together, play together and become best friends. We were also scared to buy or do anything since the road to get pregnant wasn't without heartache and failures. We rode the emotional rollercoaster to get pregnant and we were finally getting off the ride.

As time passed and after the morning sickness left I was feeling great. I was growing each week, Thursday's was the day we would take a picture of my growing belly. I would compare it and I loved to see the changes of my body. Then I started to scarpbook the ultrasound pictures and the belly pictures so one day I could show my children how much they were loved even before they were born. I was also making, crocheting baby blankets for them. I was done the first one and starting the second one. I wanted everything to be perfect for them on the day we would bring them home.

Each ultrasound Brielle and Natalie were growing well and getting stronger. I was starting to feel them move inside me and I loved it. I would go home from work to lay still just so I could feel them move to let me know they were okay. I told them so many times I loved them and how excited we were to have them coming. My husband had even felt them a few times move but it seemed like they were always playing hide and seek. It was such an incredible feeling inside me, my babies growing. I will never forget it for the rest of my life.

Then came September 12th, the visit to the maternal fetal specialist. This was the day my world started to crumble around me. Except I didn't know the real world shattering to come. I was immediately put on bedrest due to my cervix shortening a lot and starting to dilate internally. I went home to begin my bedrest. A few days later I was laying in bed, my husband was at work and I noticed my braxton hicks were starting to become more frequent and many more an hour. I called the Dr and he told me to go the hospital. When I got there they admitted me to stay 24 hours to keep an eye on what was going on. Over the night I contracted a little less but to much for my weeks along. I was only 21 weeks at the time. The next morning the ultrasound showed worsening of my cervix. I was scared to death at that moment. The doctors didn't give me much hope of making it, said it seemed like it was an infection. Again I was admitted except this time to stay until my babies were born. They did everything they could, medications for the contractions and antibiotics. Each day I layed there I prayed like I had never prayed before and talked to my babies telling them to stay in there. I had never been so scared in my life. I felt so helpless, and feared the worst.
Monday September 22nd my water broke on baby A at 420am. I remember having really bad contractions they couldn't stop and I think that is what did it. I called my husband immediately telling him he had to get to the hospital right away. I was shaking, my whole body shaking with fear. I was crying and thinking this is it, my babies are not going to make it. Why is this happening? Over the next day the contractions got a little better. The Dr told me they can keep me pregnant as long as I don't start bleeding or have contractions they can't stop or I start a fever. But she was also very honest and told me her gut feeling was that I would go into labor in the next 24 hours.
Well 24 hours almost exactly the contractions got so bad I was in a lot of pain. It was 11pm the next evening. They then took me to labor and delivery were I was induced to have my babies because the infection had gotten bad and I would be putting my life at risk now. I got an epidural since I was in enough emotional and mental pain knowing what was to come.
My babies were born the next day September 23 at 413 and 425pm. They were 22w5d along. The delivery was uneventful and they both were born alive. They lived for just over an hour each and they were perfect. I counted their toes and fingers and held them close to my heart. I can remember what it felt like. I was a mother, I am a mother, my babies are angels. I am a mother and always will be. They may not be here to be held in my arms but they are being held in my heart. I miss them like nothing else in this world. The pain is so great your heart actually hurts. I cry all the time, nothing has to set me off, I just miss them and cry for them. One thing I have learned from this is that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people and never take anything in life for granted. Any pregnancy can have a bad ending no matter how far along you are. Each baby born alive in this world are miracles.
Once again we are on the rollercoaster from hell with no end in sight. One day we will try to concieve again, after we heal inside. It will be a very anxious time for us but we will get through it no matter what. We want to have a healthy baby to bring home, but we will never forget our angel babies no matter what. They will live inside us forever.

Mixed day of emotions, first day back to work

The alarm went off early this morning and I awoke with the immediate thought, "I have to go back to work today". As I was getting ready for work I had to take some deeps breaths to calm myself. I could feel I was so anxious to go back, why, I don't know. Well maybe I do know. I was scared of all the different reactions from people, how I would handle it and to move on with my life doing all the normal things and leave my babies behind.
I got to work early to put pictures of my babies on my locker so I could see them each day. I am so proud of my baby angels I want to share them with everyone. I want everyone to realize they were alive when born and they were babies not a miscarriage. They were almost old enough to have had a chance of survival, but to what degree, no one will ever know.
Being the first person at work was a good idea, which I didn't realize until later. Instead of everyone being there all at once I was able to see most people as they arrived to work. This made it seem a little less overwhelming. I was so unsure of what to expect when I saw everyone.
I was shocked on how different each person reacts to you when you loose your children. Most probably 80% of people gave me a hug and asked how I was doing a few said sorry. And then there were a few people who basically didn't even acknowledge me being there but I knew they were uncomfortable. I will approach these people as I become more comfortable myself being there.
I would say the day was okay, but emotionally exhausting for me. It was a half day and I was ready to leave after my few hours there. I carried a heavy sad feeling inside all day for my babies. I missed them so much it hurt. I thought of them being at home without me there. A few times I went into the bathroom to have a cry, which I had bottled up inside from all the attention I got over the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on my job, my mind was tired, emotionally drained and sad. I thought of my babies a lot over the few hours. I wish so much I could stay home everyday and be with my babies, but I know that can't happen, but I also know I carry them with me where ever I go in my heart. No matter how long I took off work it would never be a right time to go back. Off tomorrow for another half day and then full time next week.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Hard Days

The last two days have been especially hard and I don't know why. I have been more depressed sad, and crying then I have been lately. The sadness is so deep within me, it actually hurts. Why did my babies have to die? Why? They were so perfect, so innocent and just wanting to live on this earth. They deserved to live as much as anyone else. I know I will never know the reason for this but it seems so unfair.

I am off to work tomorow. I am so scared of what to expect of other people or myself. I am a private person when it comes to my sad emotions but I know I won't be able to hold it in. There will be tears maybe a lot of them. Some people won't know what to say, others will say the wrong thing not meaning anything bad by it and others will just hug me and say sorry. I work with probably up to about 80 people and it will be over whelming to deal with at first. I appreciate all the support I have recieved from them all but all at once will be scary for me. I am really anxious but I know I have to go back sooner or later. It will never be easy no matter how long I take off. I wish I could just stay at home forever and never get out of bed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

3 weeks with empty arms

Today is the 3 weeks anniversary since I lost my two sweet babies. I am having quite a hard day today, with my emotions all over the place. I am missing them really bad today, my heart aches. I can't believe it has been so long already, the pain feels like it was yesterday. I can still remember the feeling of holding them in my arms and close to my heart. They took my heart and soul with them when they left me. Sometimes I don't know how I will be able to ever go on fully in my life knowing they won't be with me. I had so many hopes and dreams for them that will never be. Dreams that have been shattered and will never be repaired. I am getting my hair colored today, the first time since before I was pregnant. It is a big step for me to do something that I wasn't going to do until they were born, but this day has come sooner than I ever thought it would. Everything I did or didn't do was for them, and now doing the things I didn't do is difficult like getting my hair done or even eating foods I avoided while pregnant. I miss them soooooo much, each day brings new ups and downs, more downs than ups.

When our angels grew wings

On September 23, 2008 our angels grew wings. Brielle and Natalie our twin baby girls entered this world alive after 22w5d of pregnancy. They were born at 413pm and 425pm and were the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. I was so scared at first delivering them but after seeing them peace came over me and I was in LOVE. I new at that moment I was a mother and the feeling was incredible. I was overwhelmed with emotion. Emotion of being a new mother but also the emotion that they wouldn't survive and were going to be taken from this earth and from me. They were placed on my chest after birth and I was so amazed of how perfect they were. Brielle came first and then her sister Natalie came out with a little cry. I will never forget the sound and every moment that happened on that day. My heart is breaking for them and I miss them like nothing else in this world. My husband and I will have them in our hearts forever. This has changed me as a person and how I view this world.