It seems like no matter where I go or what I do in this new life......new normal, there are reminders of what is no longer. My husband and I went for dinner and everything from the salad dressing (which had raw egg) to the booth we sat in was a reminder of what I have lost. These are things I wouldn't be doing if I was still pregnant. It was so hard to not run out of the restaurant to escape the pain and memories. At this time I would be 27 weeks and I wouldn't have fit in the booth with my belly. I wonder how big I would be now? Would I be on couch/bedrest now? Would my ankels be swollen? These are thoughts I have and I will never know the answers. It is so painful to not be able to know what it would have been like. I would give anything to go back, to have my babies alive in my belly, living the uncomfortable but wonderful pregnancy life.
I still cry many times a day, and carry a longing and sadness with me. A longing to hold my babies, to hear them cry, to see their first smiles, first laughs, and first words. I will never get to experience the firsts with Brielle and Natalie. It is a pain I will carry for the rest of my life. I will think of first birthdays, first day of school, graduating college, getting married, and having their own babies. I feel robbed of what could have been.
I now wonder what is next for me in life. Will I get pregnant again, will I have a healthy living baby to bring home, or will I have more sadness and pain in my life. The last 3 years have been a very difficult time. I new it had changed me even before the loss of Brielle and Natalie with all the fertility treatments. Now I am a very different person. I need to find who I am now, and get to know her. I liked who I used to be, she was fun, liked to laugh and joked around. Maybe one day she will be back but it is to painful inside for her to come out right now. Maybe in time.
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5 years ago
3 comments:
I feel your pain. I often get emotional over the little reminders as well. At 3 months into this, I wish I could say it gets better- unfortunately, those things that I am missing are still constantly going through my head. Hugs to you today!
Good Morning, I'm from babycenter January 09 Birth Club. I read your story this morning and your pain has overcome my body. I am praying for you and I feel a love for you and your children, although I've never met you. I'm so glad you do know your children are Angels in the hands of God.
It brings such strong emotions to my own mind thinking of two children I have lost, although never delivering or going through something as you did. I'm touched by your multiples, I have triplets, and the bond your children share is so very special. You are their Mother, you will always be and I will pray for your healing..not forgetting...simply healing in whatever God has planned for you.
I'm going to add you to my blog to keep up with you. I've only had a blog for about 3 weeks now. I'm at www.adayinthelifeofthetehans.blogspot.com
Michelle Tehan
I'm sorry for your loss. I also read your story on the baby center bulletin. I lost a baby at 21 weeks, and it takes a while to get back to a new normal. Take each hour slowly and cry as much as you need to. Don't put too much pressure on yourself at this point.
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