One Month

I can't beleive it has been one month since my angels grew wings. Brielle and Natalie left their imprint in my heart forever. I am off work today to reflect on the week leading up to and the day they were born. It is amazing how fresh the images are still in my mind. I remember everything from each moment like it was yesterday. It plays in my mind over and over like a movie. I can still feel them in my arms when I held them. God this is so hard. I am alone today for awhile and I am so very sad. I sat at the table with their few items and had a cry. I miss them so much and wish they could still be inside me growing strong. All I have is their memory now. I try to think of the good things. The moment they were born, holding them in my arms telling them I loved them, the feeling of being a mother, the sound of their heartbeats when monitored, the feeling of them kicking me and every inch of their precious little bodies and faces. I will carry these memories with me for the rest of my life. I know every mother who looses a child agonizes over the thought of having them back one more time. I think this all the time of each day and wish I could hold them just for a moment. To feel their little bodies close to me again. I know this will not be. I am trying to be strong so I can heal. I want to find some goodness in all this pain. I think one day I will move on in my job or life, and help others in some way who are dealing with this. I feel this is a calling for me to try to make a difference. One day we will try to conceive again and I know any living children will have angels Brielle and Natalie looking over them.