Day from HELL

I have always heard since I lost Brielle and Natalie, that people will all of a sudden think you should be "over it" like as if you lost your parent or your dog. Well I can say now I think I have experienced it. Work was going as well as it could be today until the unexpected phone call came in and I happened to be standing at the desk where it was receieved. One of the guys I work with called to announce that he and his wife delivered their baby girl into the world earier today. All of a sudden the person on the phone said things out loud to the other people who were standing around there. Things like, what time she was born, weight and all of the other usual things and peoples excitement grew in the air. I immediately left the area heading for the bathroom because I could feel the knives stabbing in me, and my thoughts racing about my babies. The second the door closed I started to cry, and cry and cry. I couldn't gather myself together, and just held it in as much as possible so I could leave the bathroom to work. I would sit at a desk eating my lunch staring at the wall and cry some more. There were people around but I didn't care at the time. Usually I care when I cry around people but this time was differnt. The emotions I was feeling were so raw and painful it didn't matter anymore. A guy I work with was nice. He put his hand on my back and asked me if I was having a bad moment, and said he was sorry and I could tell he was sincere. I appreciated that, because I started to realize all the other people around didn't even acknowledge I was upset. It was like they didn't notice or didn't care. Or thought I should be getting better and getting OVER IT. After awhile of crying and looking horrible my supervisor realized I was in no shape to be working with patients and sent me home. I got to my car and cried my eyes out again, like I did in the bathroom. I felt sick to my stomach that I was having to deal with all this pain and sadness and it also makes me angry. I HATE THIS, IT SUCKS SO BAD, its not fair.

It felt like I was reliving the whole day of losing my baby Brielle and Natalie. The pain was so fresh again. I wonder to myself, will I ever be able to hear things like this in the future and keep my composure? Will I ever be able to see a pregnant women or baby and not get the knot sick feeling in the pit of my stomach? Will I ever be the same person and be happy for other people?

At work I live in my own little bubble, which can burst at any moment. A bubble where I float around in my mind with my lost babies memories and no one notices the pain I carry with me. Like nothing happened and I should be back to my old self. I feel so isolated in this bubble I live in, almost like I am invisible, or my pain is. I know people don't understand the depth of the pain in my heart and soul but I would think people would try. It seems like after all the hugs and sorry's have been done everyone has forgotten what I have lost. I have lost my precious babies Brielle and Natalie, my dreams and hopes for them, my furture with them and my innocence of a happy healthy pregnancy and delivery of my so desired and wanted babies. My life has been changed forever and I have been changed forever. I will never be the same person, I am a new person with a new view of the world.

Tomorrow is the one month anniversary of Brielle and Natalie's short lives. I have taken the day off work, since I would be thinking of them to much to concentrate at work. I will be the only person who realizes this besides my mom, husband and maybe a few very close friends (maybe). It is going to be a day of rememberence and sadness. A month goes by so fast, to fast when you want so badly to go back to that day and hold them one more time.