Monday, October 20, 2008

First full day of work

My first full day at work was emotional in the morning. I felt a deep sadness inside, missing my babies Brielle and Natalie. They were on my mind more than normal today, compared to last week. I'm not sure why, maybe because it was the first full day I would not be at home with them. I keep my tears inside while I am at work. A few times today I had to have a cry in the bathroom to release the sadness I was holding in. I try not to cry at work in front of people because I don't know how people would react, or how I would feel about it. I don't know, maybe its silly to worry about that but I do. The emotions I feel inside make me feel isolated, like no one else really understands. I feel alone, very alone.

Each time I am at work I think, maybe I came back to soon. I should have taken a few more weeks off, but never would it have been a good time to go back. Whenever things get a little stressful I have a hard time dealing with my emotions. I start to miss Brielle and Natalie even more at these times and get very emotional. I know my hormones and emotions are all over the place right now. Stressful times seem to make we think about how things should be right now, me being pregnant and being happy and being able to handle any situation with a straight head. I'm not sure how to keep these feelings at bay while I am at work. I am worried one day things will get bad enough and I will just have a break down.

Not having my babies with me in this world, SUCKS and is soooooo PAINFUL. It just sucks that I have to deal with this in my life with everything else that has gone wrong over the years. I feel like this has aged me 10 years and changed my view of the world. I am angry, sad, depressed and just don't care about very many things anymore. When I hear about 15 year olds and crack whores getting pregnant and giving their babies away or treating them horribly it boils my blood. Going though fertility treatments was hard enough to read about these things now its painfully hard to read it. I even have a hard time right now seeing pregnant women. Each time I see someone pregnant, it feels like a knife in my heart, into my soul. I am suppossed to be pregnant and getting ready to bring my babies into this world, and love them like a mother would. It is suppossed to be one of the happiest times in my life and it is the saddest time in my life.

I find it theraputic to write to express myself. I miss my babies more than anyone could imagine. I have this constant sadness, a heaviness in my heart. It actually feels like a physical hurt deep inside me to the core, into my soul. I will forever be changed and will never take anything in life for granted.

2 comments:

Carolyn said...

I am thinking of you Tiffany. :(

Nic said...

I am thinking of you Tiff, and this site is beautiful.