Its been awhile.....

Its been awhile since I wrote on here. I haven't really known what to say, but I have lots to say. I know that doesn't make sense but things are very messed up with my head with all my anxiety and emotions right now.

My pregnancy is going well. Every 2 weeks I see my high risk OB, baby and my body are doing well. Next appt is May 4th, and we will hopefully find out the sex of the baby. I am now 15 1/2 weeks and feeling good. I know my anxiety level is starting to rise. I feel the fear mounting inside as I approach the later weeks of the teens and the early 20's. I lost Brielle and Natalie at 22w5d and I know those times during this pregnancy will be extremely hard for me. A few nights ago I had a bad dream. My dream was about my cervix doing the samething as last time, but we caught it earlier. I woke up and was unable to fall asleep again for a while. Even as I write this, thinking of it all makes me worried. I know the doctors are watching me closely but what happens if they don't catch something in time? I don't know if I could go through another loss, what will it do to me?

I have been taking it easy at work and at home. My husband is so good, helping with everything around the house and being so understanding. I love him so much, I hope he knows. The people at work have also been really good. They look out for me, and I appreciate it from my heart. I am fortunate to work with people who care about me and my baby.

I promise to update more often.

MFM appointment

On Wed we went to my maternal fetal specialist appt and everything is looking good. The baby is measuring 4 days ahead of me for dates and my cervix is doing well. It was a really good appt, the Dr took time with us and discussed many things. There still isn't any answers to what happened last time, and there never will be. So many thing could have played a role. I did learn that I had a 50% abruption of my placenta (placenta pulls away from the uterus wall and dies, sometimes causing bleeding and pain which I never had), which is an important thing to watch for in the future. Abruptions can be deadly for the mother and baby. One more thing to add to the many things to watch for this pregnancy. I go back to see him in 2 weeks.

I am still having a hard time attaching myself to this baby, not in fear of lossing him/her, but it almost doesn't feel real yet. I see the baby on ultrasound moving around but the excitement still isn't quite what it was last time. I guess it is normal to feel this way. I have rented myself a doppler to listen to the heartbeat, hoping this will help me feel closer to this baby. I should recieve it in a few days.