Thursday, November 27, 2008


Today I am having a hard time being thankful for all the good things in my life as I hold a constant sadness and reminder my babies are not with me today. I am trying to be strong as I didn't think this day would create such a depth of depair inside me. I though Christmas would be the one day that would get to me. To my surprise Thanksgiving is affecting me more than I realized. I was given a invitation to go to a friends house for dinner but I had to decline knowing I wouldn't be good company. So my husband and I are going to have a small healthy dinner alone and treat it as any other day and watch the Dallas Cowboys on TV.

The things I am grateful for are:

My husband, who is the love of my life and has always been there for me through this horrible time in our lives. I appreciate everything he does for me. He is a hard worker at his job, does so much around the house and is a wonderful man. I am so lucky to have him. I don't know what I would have done without him at my side. He is the best. The last 16 years with him have been the best years. I love him so much.

My house, a roof over my head. I am grateful for this knowing in the terrible state of the economy so many people are without homes and are living in terrible conditions. Many people around the world live without clean water, food and in dirty, unsanitary conditions. I am grateful I was born in this place in the world so I can have a healthy life and to have the opportunities I have been given.

My job. I was able to go to university and obtain my Bachelors of Nursing degree and work in the Operating Room. I earn a good living and am never without in my life. So many people have lost jobs in the last few years, I am grateful to still have mine.

My friends and family, even though there are times we have our problems. I love my mom, dad and my brother. They have always supported me in whatever I wanted to do with my life. I appreciate them so much, even though we live far apart. I miss them dearly but I have a good life where I am living.

My BBC connections. I am so very grateful for the women who I have met on my BBC boards. I have such support with people who truely understand what it is like to live without your children, and to have them only in your heart and mind. They are all such wonderful, strong and amazing women. My boards are my rock, I go on everyday to know I am not alone and they are always there for me, in the ups and downs. They always know what to say.

There are many other things I am grateful for each day, but it is hard to see them through the fog of depression and sadness that lingers each moment. But today I am trying to realize the good thing even though I miss my babies Brielle and Natalie so much.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Last weekend I was starting to feel better. I had some really good days and they lead into the work week. It has only been 8 weeks and I though I was making head way with my emotions. Well that came to a sudden halt on Friday. The emotional depression started again, it came out of no where. I had the heavy sadness once again in my chest, inside my heart. And it is still there. God I miss Brielle and Natalie so much. There are so many reminders everywhere I go, that tell me what I don't have and what I will never have with my babies. Right now I cry for them, the longing to hold them so intense, my emotions out of control. Tears keep coming and I feel like I miss them more than before. Maybe the few days of ups have made my downs more intense. I don't know, this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I never know when I will be up or down. It is getting easier to see babies, hear about babies and pregnancy, but I still have pain when I do come across it. Most of the time I just walk away to protect myself, and just turn off my ears and emotions. Right now I am alone, and am letting myself feel my sadness and pain. Crying seems to release everything I have held in over the last week.

I should be 31 weeks pregnant and ready to burst. Their room should be almost done, but it has been left as it was the day I went into the hospital. The walls painted and the border wallpaper up. I have this dream in my head of how it was suppossed to be in their room. So perfect, everything in its place. I can even imagine myself holding them in there, changing diapers, tickling them and seeing them smile. I have this image like a personal movie, that only I can see. A movie that I will play over and over again through my whole life, to know how great it would have been.

My husband and I have been through so much in the last 3 years, that it makes you wonder why we are still sane. There are only a few people who know all of the details we been through. Most people would be in disbelief that 2 people could endure so much and still smile.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

My new tattoo

So I finally got my tattoo that I was wanting so badly to get. It is in memory of my babies Brielle and Natalie. I love it. It was incredibly painful to ge the outline done, but every moment of pain was worth it to have their feet on me. I think it is perfect. So now I can carry a part of them with me forever.

Does it ever make you wonder

Does it ever make you wonder if your life is going to be as good as others? I feel my life is at a stand still and I will never get to the place I want so badly to be, a mother. I am a mother to baby angels, brielle and Natalie but I want to share myself and my life with a child who I can hug physically on this earth. I feel a lonely, longing feeling of despair that I will never get to this point in my life. My husband contacted his old friends on Facebook and they all have children, and a lot of them have babies. Spending time looking on there with him made me feel sad again. This has made me realize that my life is not moving anywhere, I am running as hard as I can but making go leaway. Everything I do seems to crumble before I get to the finish line. Seeing the pictures of their babies, and children sent shooting pains into my heart and stomach. The physicall feeling of pain is once again with me.

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. I accomplished getting throught the whole day without crying or feeling depressed to the point I didn't want to do anything. So this makes up for the fact that right now, on Sunday I am now feeling down. I got my tattoo being drawn up to be done for today, I went golfing and helped my husband set up his facebook. Keeping busy with my weekends is very helpful to busy my mind. When I have to much alone time, my mind starts to slip into depression. My therapist labels me as moderate to severely depressed and mentioned medication. I would like to take something, especially before the holidays, but it takes 4 weeks to fully feel the effects. Since we are going to try again in Jan to become pregnant
I don't want to take anything, so my system is clear of harmful medications. I will just keep busy with my Husband and friends.

Tattoo day

Today I am most likely getting my tattoo for my angels. My husband and I have wanted a memory tattoo so we can always have our girls with us. I have decided to put it on my lower back. It is banner with a butterfly in the middle with their names on each end and their feet underneath the names. The banner is so they are joined together, in rememberence of them being twins. I am really excited to do this, to have their exact feet tattooed on me so they will always be with me for the rest of my life. I miss them so much, and this is a way I can always feel they are with me. My angels have left a mark on my heart, now they will leave a mark on my body. The pain isn't scary for me, after having to give myself injections to get preg and the horrible pain of labor, this will be nothing, I think. I have always said I would never get a tattoo but this has become important to me now. Another way to remember Brielle and Natalie over rides anything I had ever thought before. I'll post a picture after.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

My birthday

Today is my birthday and I don't know how to feel. I don't seem to be into it this year. It's another day that I was expecting to be pregnant, obeying bedrest or house arrest orders, and spending the day uncomfortable with my beautiful babies inside. Nothings seems the same as I compare it to my dreams of what should have been. I think I had the whole last part of my pregnancy planned out in my head and it is still playing, just not in real life. These kinds of days, days with significance are hard to deal with emotionally. Part of me wants to enjoy it a little but I feel such sorrow for my babies not sharing it with me. I know they are with me in spirit, my little angels, but it isn't the same. I miss you a lot today Brielle and Natalie, I wish you were here to celebrate with me. I will feel you inside my heart today.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Our baby shower day

Today I was busy doing things with my dad who is visiting and I all of a sudden realized that today we were suppossed to have our baby shower for you. Oh Briell and Natalie, how I miss you. You and I were going to be together with friends and family celebrating your up coming birth into this world. Presents for you were to be opened with excitement and joy. Gifts that were to be placed so perfectly in your baby's room with love and care. I remember thinking when the day was set, how far away it seemed. But it is here and not the way I could have ever imagined it. This day reminds me again of what I have lost and what will never be. All the dreams I had for you are shattered over and over again as I approach these once so important days. There was going to be games, cake and laughter and joy. I was so excited, to have this day, the day I had always pictured in my mind. It was going to be perfect. Oh so perfect for my beautiful, so loved and wanted babies. We always talked about how two baby girls were going to change our lives so much, in wonderful ways, we never imgained it would be this way when we said those words. One thing I have learned from all of this pain and heartache is to never take anything in life for granted. Always live life to the fullest and never say never. Today I am going to remember all of the memories of you both that I am grateful for. Like when I got to hold you while you were alive and tell you I loved you more than anything in this world while you past away in my arms. The feeling of being a mother even if it was for a short time and seeing how much your daddy loved you and still loves you. These are some of the memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.

To my angels Brielle and Natalie, I love you more than words can express and I miss you so much it hurts. I know you are with me in my heart and I believe that angels breath and keep watch over us. Keep look over your daddy and I and keep us safe. Please be the guardian angels of any future brothers or sisters we give you in this world. You are so missed by so many people and you are loved forever and ever.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

6 weeks yesterday.......

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks since I lost Brielle and Natalie. Yesterday I went for my last check up with my OB doctor and it was horrible. I am doing fine physically but yesterday mentally was a struggle. The medical assistant who checks you out before the doctor sees you started asking me all these questions about my babies, when I had them, what their names were and how much they weighed. I was starting to get really upset since it was hard enough just going to the appointment knowing my babies were not with me on this earth. How could someone not have seen that I lost Brielle and Natalie in my chart? I even said to her "shouldn't this already be in my chart"? She said it should be buts it not. I didn't even think it was necessary since I didn't end up with alive healthy babies in the end of my pregnancy. After I told her they weighed just over a pound each she stopped asking the questions, like she finally figured it out. I was very upset reliving it all again with a stranger so I went home and had a glass of wine and ate chocolate. The rest of the evening was emotional for me. There was tears and sadness, like every other night but more.

Later in the evening I learned a friend on a support board I am on, lost her twin girls after losing her first baby not even a year before. My heart breaks for her. I don't even know her, have just talked with her online and I wish I could be there for her in person to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Hearing of her sad news opened up my wounds and made me partially relive my devastating week in the hospital and the day my babies came into this world and left a short time later. As I type this my heart has such sadness for her, me and all the women who have lost a child. It is so unfair, our children as supposed to bury us not the other way around. I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason". I would love for someone to tell me why my babies were taken from me. And I would love to know why people who are cruel to children are able to have them.

Please everyone who reads this, pray for Jenell and her family as they face one of the most difficult times in their lives, again. The next while will be very painfull and full of sadness for them. They are in my thoughts everyday.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

One Holiday Down and Weekends

I made it through the first holiday since losing Brielle and Natalie. It was a little painful thinking of how it was suppossed to be. I should be 28 weeks pregnant and with twins, I should have been splitting at the seams. There was a halloween party I was going to go to if I wasn't on bed rest. My costume was to paint my belly orange and make it a pumpkin. The party is actually tonight and I don't know if I can go in another costume and not have sadness inside thinking about what it was suppossed to be like. A few people think I should go and if I didn't feel up to it then I can leave. As of right now I don't even feel up to finding a different costume. I know I need to do things for myself to heal but it is hard when you have had a different version of a time in your life already planned out and then it is abruptly changed after losing your children. I haven't totally made up my mind but I probably won't be going. To much happiness to be around.

I love and live for Fridays but right now I am wishing we didn't have them. Weekends have become very difficult for me to get through. I love to sleep in and relax, but now I can't turn my mind off thoughts of what happened, what I am missing out on and what should have been. I sit around the house sometimes all day, with depression setting in. I want to keep busier but I don't really know what to do with myself. Sometimes I do enjoy having time to myself, so I can think more of my babies and tell them I love them and missed them all week while I was at work. People may think I am crazy but this is the only time I can actually feel like I am with them even if its only in my mind and my heart. I still go into their room and cry telling them I am sorry for my decisions and wish I could go back. I am still missing them like I lost them yesterday, the only difference is that I can function. I have a sinking feeling in my heart for them and an internal sadness that never goes away. I wonder if it ever gets better then this or is this how I will feel for the rest of my life. As people say, you never get over it you just learn to live around the pain. I am learning to live around the pain, but it is always there. I guess this is what the new normal is.