6 weeks yesterday.......

I can't believe it has been 6 weeks since I lost Brielle and Natalie. Yesterday I went for my last check up with my OB doctor and it was horrible. I am doing fine physically but yesterday mentally was a struggle. The medical assistant who checks you out before the doctor sees you started asking me all these questions about my babies, when I had them, what their names were and how much they weighed. I was starting to get really upset since it was hard enough just going to the appointment knowing my babies were not with me on this earth. How could someone not have seen that I lost Brielle and Natalie in my chart? I even said to her "shouldn't this already be in my chart"? She said it should be buts it not. I didn't even think it was necessary since I didn't end up with alive healthy babies in the end of my pregnancy. After I told her they weighed just over a pound each she stopped asking the questions, like she finally figured it out. I was very upset reliving it all again with a stranger so I went home and had a glass of wine and ate chocolate. The rest of the evening was emotional for me. There was tears and sadness, like every other night but more.

Later in the evening I learned a friend on a support board I am on, lost her twin girls after losing her first baby not even a year before. My heart breaks for her. I don't even know her, have just talked with her online and I wish I could be there for her in person to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Hearing of her sad news opened up my wounds and made me partially relive my devastating week in the hospital and the day my babies came into this world and left a short time later. As I type this my heart has such sadness for her, me and all the women who have lost a child. It is so unfair, our children as supposed to bury us not the other way around. I hate it when people say, "everything happens for a reason". I would love for someone to tell me why my babies were taken from me. And I would love to know why people who are cruel to children are able to have them.

Please everyone who reads this, pray for Jenell and her family as they face one of the most difficult times in their lives, again. The next while will be very painfull and full of sadness for them. They are in my thoughts everyday.