Angels Brielle and Natalie: My new tattoo

So I finally got my tattoo that I was wanting so badly to get. It is in memory of my babies Brielle and Natalie. I love it. It was incredibly painful to ge the outline done, but every moment of pain was worth it to have their feet on me. I think it is perfect. So now I can carry a part of them with me forever.

What Makes a Mother?

I thought of you as I closed my eyes, and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother, and I know I heard him say, "a mother has a baby, this we know is true"."But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you? "

"Yes, you can" he replied, with confidence in his voice,"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day,and some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here!"He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. "I wish I could show you what your child is doing today,if you could see your child smile, with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love and life and fear, my mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here! I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me,I learned my lesson very quick, my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day,when she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay.I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, "Mommy don't be sad, I'm your baby, I'm still here."

"So you see my dear sweet one, your children are ok,your babies are here in my home, and this is where they'll stay.They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through,and on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a mother, it's the feeling in your heart,it's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,until their time is done, they'll be up here with me one day, and know you're the best one!"

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish You Would Remember...

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is loosing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't really a baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day I lost my baby are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace Eli. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you may not know that we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

Angels Brielle and Natalie

Sunday, November 16, 2008

My new tattoo

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