Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Time goes so quickly

Today is 5 weeks since Brielle and Natalie left me. I can't believe how fast time goes. Some days or moments it seems like yesterday they were born, the emotions at times are still so raw. Over the weekend I was thinking it may be time to find a shelf for their urns and memory items and put the rest away but my husband said he wasn't ready for that I realized I wasn't either. I don't know what I was thinking, maybe I thought I was stronger than I really am, or maybe I thought it would help me start to move on. But wait, I am moving on, I am functioning, I am going to work and I am beginning to smile and laugh again. Though a constant sadness surrounds me no matter what I am doing even during the laughs and smiles, it is less than the first weeks after my loss. It scares me to think my pain has lessened, I cry a little less, and can begin to think about the future, but I know deep inside my heart I will never forget. That used to be my biggest fear when I lost Brielle and Natalie, that I would start to forget if I went on with my life, but I have come to the realization that could never happen. As long as I am alive they will live on in me, in my heart.

We have talked about TTC again in the New Year, a part of me is okay with the thought but the other part is scared. We want a baby to bring home to be parents so badly but I am scared to be pregnant and to form a bond with another baby who may leave me. I don't know if emotionally I could take another loss. Fearing I won't form a new bond because I will always think or wish they were Brielle and Natalie, also scares me. I want them so badly to be inside me, me being pregnant again with them, being so happy. The logical side of me knows a new baby won't replace them and a new pregnancy won't bring them back. And that I will form a new love and bond inside of me but my emotional side will wish it was Brielle and Natalie. Is that fair to a future baby to think that? I don't know if these feelings of wanting to be pregnant again but only with Brielle and Natalie are normal at this time. I hope as time passes and their projected birth time goes by, I will know I would not have been pregnant with them anymore and be able to move past these thoughts.

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