Missing 2008 in a weird way

I can't believe it is already the middle of Jan 09 already. The time is passing so quickly and I am almost at what is called in the fertility world, the 2ww (2 week wait). Monday I go into the doctor and then about 14-16 days after I will know if I am once again pregnant. I am praying it will work this time, the first time so we can have a baby born in 09.

With all this happening in my life, I am starting to miss 2008. It was the best and worst year of my life. I remember seeing the little faint line on my first positive pregnancy test, showing my husband and the disbelief that is was finally happening. I tested 3 days in a row, each day the line got darker. We were so excited. As I write this my heart feels the thrill, excitement and dreams we once had and then the sadness sets in deep within. 2008 was the year I got pregnant, was happier then I had ever been in my life, and the year all my dreams crumbled around me. I miss the happy times we had for 22 weeks and 5 days, while Brielle and Natalie grew stronger each day. I also miss 08 for the day my babies were born, it feels like now that they are not alive with us I want 2008 back to be in the year they were born. Knowing that Sept 23, 09 will not be the day I would be having a huge birthday party it will be the day I will remember and miss them so badly, and wonder what they would have been like at a year old. Call me crazy but 2008 has so many memories that I wish we could go back, and take it all in again. I wish I could tell all pregnant women to absorb it all in, don't complain about the pregnancy symptoms, to enjoy them as much as possible because it can be taken from you so fast. But I know it would be out of line to say that and they wouldn't really truely understand what and why I was saying that. Since they are all in the glory of being pregnant and thinking that once you are past the first trimester you are going to have a living healthy baby. I call it the pregnancy, uninformed brain. If I only knew.

So this evening is my last shot in my belly and from here it is the luck of nature to do its thing. I am so ready to be pregnant again, to once again begin the journey of living my life for my developing baby. To give up things I love to give my baby the best chance possible. I know it will never be the happy, blissful pregnancy I had with Brielle and Natalie, it will be a happy, but a scary journey.