Thursday, March 5, 2009

Mixed up

Since becoming pregnant again I find myself missing by angels even more. The last while has been difficult with trying to be positive about this baby being born alive and healthy and still grieving my babies. What a mix of emotions everyday brings. I just had a good cry for Brielle and Natalie who would be over 2 months old now if they were born around 35 weeks. I wonder what they would look like, would their personalities be different or similar? How my life would be so different, being off work, changing dozens of diapers, being tired all the time and loving every minute of it. But I have to look into what should have been and look into my future now at the sametime. I know part of these thoughts and emotions are because I am pregnant again, with hormones all over the place and also being scared it will all happen again.

I have told some people at work I am pregnant again, and I find most (not all) people's reactions to be not as cheery as it was the last time. I think people are scared for me, I think. I haven't had very many people say congrats, and I know more people know then I told, since my work is a grapevine. A few people knowing leads to everyone knowing. Last time people came up to me constantly to congrat me but this time they don't say anything to me, and I just figure they don't really know what to say, since last time it ended so badly. Maybe I am just being sensitive but it bothers me. I want the congratulations, it is a new pregnancy for me, and a try at a new beginning. I'm not sure how to take it all. I guess it is what it is, and I just need to think of myself and my baby. Not worry about what anyone else thinks.

I know the innocent pregnancy world has been taken away from me, and maybe others at work. Who knows, maybe what happened to me made people realize pregnancy doesn't always end up with a perfect baby. I wish I could go back and feel the bliss of pregnancy but reality is what it is and I will always be on guard of what can happen next.


Denise McMaster said...

Oh Tiffany CONGRATULATIONS!! I never had the opportunity to tell you how sorry I was for your loss of your two angels. I have been reading this blog since you became my friend on facebook today. What you and Derek have been thru..God bless you both! I am praying for you with all my heart and BELIEVING that this pregnancy will be fine and that baby will be born fine and healthy on Oct 14th (my birthday :)! I miss working with you and will keep an eye on here for your updates.
Love ya!

JenJen said...

I know Brielle and Natalie would want you to be happy during this time...because, it is an exciting time for your family, although bittersweet. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Patti said...

Tiff, You know how happy I am for you. I didn't know people at work knew yet, Now I don't have to be quit about it, ha, ha, I know you will have a healthly and happy baby, and the baby angels will be right there with you Derek and the new baby. God Bless. Patti

Never forgetting Gregory said...

I know exactly what you are going through. It is very difficult to go through all the emotions of mourning who you lost while being excited for what is to come. I am just starting to not be as anxious and scared to death that the same thing will happen this time around. It changes daily, but hopefully after a few more great appointments you will feel some relief.

I actually don't like when people excitedly say congrats to me, because it makes me feel like they think my life is just all wonderful again and that I have forgotten about Gregory. Hugs.