Since becoming pregnant again I find myself missing by angels even more. The last while has been difficult with trying to be positive about this baby being born alive and healthy and still grieving my babies. What a mix of emotions everyday brings. I just had a good cry for Brielle and Natalie who would be over 2 months old now if they were born around 35 weeks. I wonder what they would look like, would their personalities be different or similar? How my life would be so different, being off work, changing dozens of diapers, being tired all the time and loving every minute of it. But I have to look into what should have been and look into my future now at the sametime. I know part of these thoughts and emotions are because I am pregnant again, with hormones all over the place and also being scared it will all happen again.
I have told some people at work I am pregnant again, and I find most (not all) people's reactions to be not as cheery as it was the last time. I think people are scared for me, I think. I haven't had very many people say congrats, and I know more people know then I told, since my work is a grapevine. A few people knowing leads to everyone knowing. Last time people came up to me constantly to congrat me but this time they don't say anything to me, and I just figure they don't really know what to say, since last time it ended so badly. Maybe I am just being sensitive but it bothers me. I want the congratulations, it is a new pregnancy for me, and a try at a new beginning. I'm not sure how to take it all. I guess it is what it is, and I just need to think of myself and my baby. Not worry about what anyone else thinks.
I know the innocent pregnancy world has been taken away from me, and maybe others at work. Who knows, maybe what happened to me made people realize pregnancy doesn't always end up with a perfect baby. I wish I could go back and feel the bliss of pregnancy but reality is what it is and I will always be on guard of what can happen next.