The Christmas Fear

I haven't written to much lately, been busy with keeping my head above the waters during the upcoming holiday. Christmas, is suppossed to be my favorite time of year, it was, until the horrible nightmare I went through this year made me see it in a different view. The lights, music, tree, dinner and the presents don't mean anything to me anymore since losing Brielle and Natalie. I see it now as a day to spend with family, except my family dreams and reality have been shattered. Shattered into memories, pain, anguish and longing. You know the saying, "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth"? All I want for Christmas is to wake up from this nightmare with my beautiful babies in my arms alive and breathing. A present I will never get and I know this but it doesn't make the pain any easier.



Lately there are so many things that have been hurtful and hard to deal with. I am struggling with the idea of putting up my tree. My mind and I have this conversation daily, I am strong enough, I will put my tree up, and then I am at home and my heart can't let it happen. It is a constant battle. I bought this ornament for Brielle and Natalie with their names on it and its purpose was to be on the tree, but if I don't put it up, their first Christmas ornament won't have a special place to hang to be looked at daily. Maybe this weekend I will gather myself up and decorate a little.



Hearing Christmas music in the store, and at work on the radio is giving me a knot in my stomach. I love the music but for some reason it makes me feel ill to hear it. I wish I could turn off my ears as needed to tune it out. January 09 can't come to soon to save my sanity. Some days I feel like I could have a break down with all the anxiety and panic building up.



The Christmas cards in the mail are another reminder of the day approaching. I usually like getting them and giving them but I don't care this year. I find the ones with pictures of people's children and expecially grandchildren extremely painful and mostly I feel they are inconciderate and inappropriate. I mean, what are they thinking, that after only 10 weeks I would want these pictures flaunted in my face, a reminder of what I don't have and what I will never have? Some people can be so hurtful when they don't think before acting. I wouldn't ever think of sending pictures like those to a grieving mother and father after losing their children. And with Christmas coming, what a lack of feelings and compassion.