It's finally over, on to 2009

Well, the last day of the worst year of my life is taking place right now. I look back at all I have been through and I am amazed I am still breathing. There were times I thought I wouldn't be able to come up for a breath, but I survived the year from HELL.

Fighting through the fertility treatments, negative after negative each month, then injections for 2 weeks in my stomach and then finally the second line appeared. I was speachless, shocked and so happy. We were going to have a baby, our dream was finally going to happen after almost 3 years at the time. Then our world crumbled apart, to change us forever and to see the world very differently. The loss of our babies will live forever in our broken hearts.

A new year is approaching and I want to have optimism but I am scared to soften my hard shell I have made around myself. So many bad things have happened in the past 3 years of trying to have a child, I wonder if it will ever happen, and will the past repeat itself. I say to people and sometimes to myself that 2009 is going to be a good year, my year to finally have something go right, but in the back of my mind I doubt the good will ever come. I feel I am at the bottom of the pile of shit, it can only get better from here, right? We'll see, I am going to keep my head up high and fight on. These last few years have proven to myself that I am a fighter and I will keep fighting for what I want so badly, to be a mother to a living healthy child.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, good fortune and peace in 2009.