Mixed day of emotions, first day back to work

The alarm went off early this morning and I awoke with the immediate thought, "I have to go back to work today". As I was getting ready for work I had to take some deeps breaths to calm myself. I could feel I was so anxious to go back, why, I don't know. Well maybe I do know. I was scared of all the different reactions from people, how I would handle it and to move on with my life doing all the normal things and leave my babies behind.
I got to work early to put pictures of my babies on my locker so I could see them each day. I am so proud of my baby angels I want to share them with everyone. I want everyone to realize they were alive when born and they were babies not a miscarriage. They were almost old enough to have had a chance of survival, but to what degree, no one will ever know.
Being the first person at work was a good idea, which I didn't realize until later. Instead of everyone being there all at once I was able to see most people as they arrived to work. This made it seem a little less overwhelming. I was so unsure of what to expect when I saw everyone.
I was shocked on how different each person reacts to you when you loose your children. Most probably 80% of people gave me a hug and asked how I was doing a few said sorry. And then there were a few people who basically didn't even acknowledge me being there but I knew they were uncomfortable. I will approach these people as I become more comfortable myself being there.
I would say the day was okay, but emotionally exhausting for me. It was a half day and I was ready to leave after my few hours there. I carried a heavy sad feeling inside all day for my babies. I missed them so much it hurt. I thought of them being at home without me there. A few times I went into the bathroom to have a cry, which I had bottled up inside from all the attention I got over the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on my job, my mind was tired, emotionally drained and sad. I thought of my babies a lot over the few hours. I wish so much I could stay home everyday and be with my babies, but I know that can't happen, but I also know I carry them with me where ever I go in my heart. No matter how long I took off work it would never be a right time to go back. Off tomorrow for another half day and then full time next week.