Rollercoaster

Last weekend I was starting to feel better. I had some really good days and they lead into the work week. It has only been 8 weeks and I though I was making head way with my emotions. Well that came to a sudden halt on Friday. The emotional depression started again, it came out of no where. I had the heavy sadness once again in my chest, inside my heart. And it is still there. God I miss Brielle and Natalie so much. There are so many reminders everywhere I go, that tell me what I don't have and what I will never have with my babies. Right now I cry for them, the longing to hold them so intense, my emotions out of control. Tears keep coming and I feel like I miss them more than before. Maybe the few days of ups have made my downs more intense. I don't know, this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I never know when I will be up or down. It is getting easier to see babies, hear about babies and pregnancy, but I still have pain when I do come across it. Most of the time I just walk away to protect myself, and just turn off my ears and emotions. Right now I am alone, and am letting myself feel my sadness and pain. Crying seems to release everything I have held in over the last week.

I should be 31 weeks pregnant and ready to burst. Their room should be almost done, but it has been left as it was the day I went into the hospital. The walls painted and the border wallpaper up. I have this dream in my head of how it was suppossed to be in their room. So perfect, everything in its place. I can even imagine myself holding them in there, changing diapers, tickling them and seeing them smile. I have this image like a personal movie, that only I can see. A movie that I will play over and over again through my whole life, to know how great it would have been.

My husband and I have been through so much in the last 3 years, that it makes you wonder why we are still sane. There are only a few people who know all of the details we been through. Most people would be in disbelief that 2 people could endure so much and still smile.