Due Date

Missing Brielle and Natalie as each day goes by, gets a little easier but it will never be easy. I have learned to make peace with it, and carry them forever in my heart and soul. The ache of wanting to hold them and mother them is still so strong, never will it be on this earth but one day when we meet again With my due date being today, I think of them continually and reflect and remember the moments we had together. Seeing them as they were born, fighting to stay alive and holding them in my arms. These memories burning in my brain forever.

I am home from work today and the house seems extra quiet as I sit here and write this. A stillness in the air that should be filled with crying and crazy caos. Also tomorrow marks the 4 months since I held them. How fast time goes, and it sometimes it feels just like yesterday.

As I am now in my 2 week wait of finding out if I am pregnant or not, I think more about Brielle and Natalie. I know they are happy for us to try again, to give them a brother or sister. I am scared to find out I am not pregnant, to have to do the injections again and the heartache of once again seeing a negative. Over the last 3 years with so many negatives it gets harder with each one, with the want to be a mother so bad. And now after losing my babies, a negative would strike so much harder. I am also scared to see that I am pregnant again. To begin the journey of getting through the first trimester without a miscarriage, and then to approach the weeks when everything went so very wrong with my last pregnancy. Each doctors visit won't be reassuring, since last time I went to my regular OB and everything seemed fine (no ultrasound) and then the next day to be on bedrest from my maternal fetal specialist after seeing dilating on the ultrasound. I am also going to be scared to work. Last time before being told I was dilating I was contracting a lot as I moved around at work, thinking it was branxton hicks contractions not knowing I was in preterm labor. It could happen again and I am worried my job will make it happen again. I am scared to death, and I know my manager won't care, since it is all about work numbers to her and she doesn't see her employees as people with feelings and issues.

Brielle and Natalie, mommy and daddy miss you so very much. We wish you could be here with us to be loved by so many. As our due date together is here we think now of how it would be to have both of you keeping us so very busy. Our lives would be so different right now, our lives being for you. I know you are in a better place and that gives me some comfort but I do believe the best place would be here with me. I hold a lot of sadness in my heart, a sadness that will be with me forever. The deepth of the pain no one will ever understand unless they have experienced the loss of a child. Love you my angels, I know you are looking down on us.

Missing 2008 in a weird way

I can't believe it is already the middle of Jan 09 already. The time is passing so quickly and I am almost at what is called in the fertility world, the 2ww (2 week wait). Monday I go into the doctor and then about 14-16 days after I will know if I am once again pregnant. I am praying it will work this time, the first time so we can have a baby born in 09.

With all this happening in my life, I am starting to miss 2008. It was the best and worst year of my life. I remember seeing the little faint line on my first positive pregnancy test, showing my husband and the disbelief that is was finally happening. I tested 3 days in a row, each day the line got darker. We were so excited. As I write this my heart feels the thrill, excitement and dreams we once had and then the sadness sets in deep within. 2008 was the year I got pregnant, was happier then I had ever been in my life, and the year all my dreams crumbled around me. I miss the happy times we had for 22 weeks and 5 days, while Brielle and Natalie grew stronger each day. I also miss 08 for the day my babies were born, it feels like now that they are not alive with us I want 2008 back to be in the year they were born. Knowing that Sept 23, 09 will not be the day I would be having a huge birthday party it will be the day I will remember and miss them so badly, and wonder what they would have been like at a year old. Call me crazy but 2008 has so many memories that I wish we could go back, and take it all in again. I wish I could tell all pregnant women to absorb it all in, don't complain about the pregnancy symptoms, to enjoy them as much as possible because it can be taken from you so fast. But I know it would be out of line to say that and they wouldn't really truely understand what and why I was saying that. Since they are all in the glory of being pregnant and thinking that once you are past the first trimester you are going to have a living healthy baby. I call it the pregnancy, uninformed brain. If I only knew.

So this evening is my last shot in my belly and from here it is the luck of nature to do its thing. I am so ready to be pregnant again, to once again begin the journey of living my life for my developing baby. To give up things I love to give my baby the best chance possible. I know it will never be the happy, blissful pregnancy I had with Brielle and Natalie, it will be a happy, but a scary journey.

Finally an Update!

I haven't posted in a while, I don't really know why, but I felt it was time to update my blog. I know there are a several people who read my blog and I wasn't sure what I wanted to put on here. Then I realized this blog was mostly for myself to put my thoughts and feelings on paper, so I am going to say it all.

There are a lot of things that have happened lately in my life. I guess the first thing is my appointment with my fertility specialist. A few weeks ago, I was sitting once again in the waiting room of the office and thinking and feeling like I had never left. Like I was never pregnant, and was still striving toward the one goal I want more than anything in this world. I was called in and my heart was pounding. It sucked to be back much sooner then I thought. The 3 years I thought I would not be in that office turned into a very short 9 months. After reliving the experience telling the doctor what happened, we left with the hopes of trying to get pregnant again in the near future. Over the next few weeks after seeing my doctor, he ordered some blood work to rule out blood clotting disorders. Thankfully they all came back normal.

All my doctors think something different happened to cause the preterm labor. My regular OB thinks I got an infection from the genetic testing I did at 11 weeks and it took time to brew and caused the preterm labor and delivery. I had finally made peace with this, that I caused this to happen, and told myself it would never happen again so any subsequent pregnancies would be fine. Now my fertility specialist who also focused in forensics says he thinks the infection came after dilating from preterm labor and the infection started once baby A's water broke. He thinks the preterm labor was from a combo of the genetic testing, carrying multiples etc. and who knows if it will happen again. Well he didn't actually say the last part of it may happening again, but he did say never again would I carry multiples. If there is a risk of that happening he will cancel the cycle for that month. So now I am extra freeked out, what will future pregnancies be like? Will they go to term? Will I lose another baby? Only time will tell. My want and desire to be pregnant and give birth to a living baby is greater then my fear of having another loss. I have been through so much over the last 4 months, and have realized how strong I am as a person.

We have now decided we are ready and have embarked on the crazy journey of trying to get pregnant again. I am taking a different medication this time to hopefully prevent me from overstimulating like last time, to prevent multiples. As of tonight I have given myself 2 injections in my stomach. The needles aren't to bad, 1/2 inch long but very fine. I barely feel them going in. I give myself an injection each evening for about 10 days or so. I go back to the doctor on Tues for another ultrasound to see how things are going, to determine if the medications dose is good or needs to be changed. I hate having to do the injections, take the meds, but I have to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. The money isn't easy to take either. This month cost us 2400. Hopefully it works on the first month.

With my baby's due date coming up on the 23rd of January, I am missing them a lot these last few days. I am exctied about trying again, but my grief and sadness for my baby's Brielle and Natalie is still so strong. Learning about others at work having their baby's around now, when I was due is hard to hear, but I struggle through it. I swallow the lumps in my throat and blink away the tears. My heart aches each day for them, knowing they should have been born by now, and keeping me from sleeping. I now think of them, as they should be here with me in my arms, and not about being what week in my pregnancy. Now I will always think about the age they would have been and the milestones they would have made it to.

As I adventure through these murky waters once again, I know I will need the support of my friends and family to help me through it. I am terrified of the worst happening again, not knowing how things will go. Please be there for me, to support, hug when needed and to listen when I need to talk about things. I have made some really great friends through this journey and I am so very grateful to have them. At first I didn't want anyone to know I was trying again, for fear of being judged for trying so soon, but no one knows what it is like to be me. To want to be a mother so badly, to have only felt it for only a few hours, while it was being taken away from me. This blog is my journey through life and all the things that go with it. This journey has now reached the 3 year mark, and I feel like I am spinning my wheels once again. WILL I EVER GET THERE?

It's finally over, on to 2009

Well, the last day of the worst year of my life is taking place right now. I look back at all I have been through and I am amazed I am still breathing. There were times I thought I wouldn't be able to come up for a breath, but I survived the year from HELL.

Fighting through the fertility treatments, negative after negative each month, then injections for 2 weeks in my stomach and then finally the second line appeared. I was speachless, shocked and so happy. We were going to have a baby, our dream was finally going to happen after almost 3 years at the time. Then our world crumbled apart, to change us forever and to see the world very differently. The loss of our babies will live forever in our broken hearts.

A new year is approaching and I want to have optimism but I am scared to soften my hard shell I have made around myself. So many bad things have happened in the past 3 years of trying to have a child, I wonder if it will ever happen, and will the past repeat itself. I say to people and sometimes to myself that 2009 is going to be a good year, my year to finally have something go right, but in the back of my mind I doubt the good will ever come. I feel I am at the bottom of the pile of shit, it can only get better from here, right? We'll see, I am going to keep my head up high and fight on. These last few years have proven to myself that I am a fighter and I will keep fighting for what I want so badly, to be a mother to a living healthy child.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, good fortune and peace in 2009.

I made it!

Well, it is finally over. I have been waiting for this day to arrive, the day's after Christmas. The anxiety leading up to the holiday was horrible, the actual day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My husband and I had a quiet day, just the two of us. I am glad we didn't have family events to go to, it would have been hard to put on the fake smile. We had put our tree up, with the decoration for our babies, but we didn't do presents for each other. We knew the 09 year was going to bring expenses again to try to get pregnant.
I did think a lot about my brother and his wife who just the day before Christmas brought home their new baby. I am happy for them, but jealousy is also a strong feeling. I was suppossed to be brining home my babies, or getting ready to have them. Christmas day was to be 36 weeks for me, I would have been huge and so ready to be a mother.
In the evening after dinner I sat at the table where we have their little urns and all the memories of them. The candles were lit, relecting against the pictures of their names in the sand. It was very peaceful. I talked to them, telling them I missed them so very much and that I loved them more then anything in this world. I usually cry when I sit with them but not that night. A sense of peace came over me, like they were beside me letting me know they were there and it was going to be alright.
I am starting to feel ready to try to get pregnant again. The New Year of 09 will, or should be a better year. Not much worse can happen. Definately 08 has been the worst year of my life. I will continue to be a fighter and the drive and want to be a mother to a living child will overcome the fear I have to be pregnant again, and have another loss. I wish everyone a good New Years and to all the women out in the world who have lost a child, may you find peace, and get pregnant in 09 if you are trying.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to my babies, Brielle and Natalie. Mommy and Daddy wish you were here with us today. We miss you so much and are thinking of you a lot today. I feel you in my heart but not in my arms. I hope you are at peace where ever you are and please know I am always thinking of you. Love you and miss you lots.

Drowning

Pain shot through me like fire as I read the sign that a new baby was born from a lady I work with. I new it was coming but the actual moment was so unbearably hard to emotionally deal with. Tears streamed my checks and I gasped for air. Was I hypervenilating, or was I dying? I tried catching my breath as I felt like I was going to die. Everything inside me wanted to die, I didn't want to live anymore, I just wanted to be with my babies. Talking with myself, convincing myself I am a strong women I can make it through this. Leaning against the wall as I felt lightheaded, I tried to gather my composure. I had to go out and face the world, do my job and put on a fake smile. HOW? How was I suppossed to deal with the public when I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry, cry for my lost babies. It feels like you are drowning, like you can't get air, your lungs won't function, and you are slowly suffocating but you stay alive. You make it through each moment, each day and you survive. You wonder how you survive, and will you continue to survive with the coming heartaches and pains you will have to endure.

Fertility Specialist Appt.

Well my RE appt is coming up on Tuesday and I am getting nervous, excited and all the feelings in between. I am worried things are going to be grime about trying when we want to in Jan. I guess I am feeling like everything else in the last 3 years with fertility treatments, and losing my twins has gone terribly wrong why not something else to end the worst year of my life. I will be doing injections again, yuck, to get preg like last time. I am not looking forward to walking into that office again so soon. I thought it was going to be a few years, but here I am again. They called me at work on Friday to ask why I was coming in, wondering if I thought I should come in while being pregnant? I told them what happened about the loss and they were sorry, but it hurt to have to say it. I knew I would be telling why when I got there but for some reason the rest of the day on Friday was a downer for me after that. I will let you all know what happpens after my appt. Wish me luck.

How am I surviving?

Have you ever wondered if you are going to survive? Why haven't you lost it yet? Had a emotional, mental break down?

Being told the statement, "I don't know how you are doing it", made me stop to ask myself, how am I doing it?. Telling the person that I didn't have a choice, I had to move on and get myself out of bed each morning, was a defense mechanism to keep my emotions from spilling out. Deep inside I am not making it. I hurt each day I open my eyes to another day without my Brielle and Natalie with me. I fear the conversations I hear, the people I see and the thoughts in my head. Each day has pending pain, just waiting to come at me. I never know where, when or how it will happen, I just keep my senses alert so I can avoid as many potential ones as possible. I never knew heartache pain could actually be felt physically. Like a broken heart.

I am living two different lives inside me each day. There is the reality of life, I am no longer pregnant with my babies, my babies are in heaven (I hope there is a heaven), I will have yet another year at Christmas with no children, and I have to go through the pain and heartache of fertility treatments again. I know this is reality but the other part of my thoughts live another dimension of my memories.

Thursday of each week is a new week to what was suppossed to be my pregnancy, I would be almost 34 weeks. I count each week and think of what I would have been like, big, happy, scared, but overjoyed with excitement of the pending birth. My babies should be born very, very soon. They would have been happy and healthy, and would have been coming home with us to meet their doggies who would have protected them. I am so afraid that after the date that they would have been born, I will start the new thoughts of memories that I should have 2 babies home with me and being on maternity leave. Sometimes I feel like I am living a split personality, but I know what is reality and not. I know it is normal to have these thoughts because my pregnancy was over so abruptly, to soon with a devastating outcome.

There are days when I think I am losing it or close to it. There are many moments at work each day, tears come into my eyes and I have to wipe them away and carry on with my job. This time of year is so hard for me. Christmas, when my babies should have been born, knowing my brother and his wife are having their baby soon, hearing of others at work being pregnant and knowing 2008 will be the worst year of my life. I really don't know how much more I can take before I truly have a mental breakdown. I guess I am stronger then I think, we all are, the women who I talk with on babycenter, are all very strong.

Christmas tree

Well I finally got the courage to put my Christmas Tree up. It's beautiful with my babies ornament on it. I have lights, ribbon, bows and their ornament. I love it. I actually got into doing the decorating, more then I thought I would. I am learning that the anxiety leading up to something is a lot worse then the actual event itself. I am proud of myself for accomplishing it, without even one tear. Lots of sad thoughts but no tears. It gives me a sense of peace with the approaching holiday, like I will be able to get through it. I will take it day by day and not to be to hard on myself. I hope you all like the pictures I have put up.