Finally an Update!

I haven't posted in a while, I don't really know why, but I felt it was time to update my blog. I know there are a several people who read my blog and I wasn't sure what I wanted to put on here. Then I realized this blog was mostly for myself to put my thoughts and feelings on paper, so I am going to say it all.

There are a lot of things that have happened lately in my life. I guess the first thing is my appointment with my fertility specialist. A few weeks ago, I was sitting once again in the waiting room of the office and thinking and feeling like I had never left. Like I was never pregnant, and was still striving toward the one goal I want more than anything in this world. I was called in and my heart was pounding. It sucked to be back much sooner then I thought. The 3 years I thought I would not be in that office turned into a very short 9 months. After reliving the experience telling the doctor what happened, we left with the hopes of trying to get pregnant again in the near future. Over the next few weeks after seeing my doctor, he ordered some blood work to rule out blood clotting disorders. Thankfully they all came back normal.

All my doctors think something different happened to cause the preterm labor. My regular OB thinks I got an infection from the genetic testing I did at 11 weeks and it took time to brew and caused the preterm labor and delivery. I had finally made peace with this, that I caused this to happen, and told myself it would never happen again so any subsequent pregnancies would be fine. Now my fertility specialist who also focused in forensics says he thinks the infection came after dilating from preterm labor and the infection started once baby A's water broke. He thinks the preterm labor was from a combo of the genetic testing, carrying multiples etc. and who knows if it will happen again. Well he didn't actually say the last part of it may happening again, but he did say never again would I carry multiples. If there is a risk of that happening he will cancel the cycle for that month. So now I am extra freeked out, what will future pregnancies be like? Will they go to term? Will I lose another baby? Only time will tell. My want and desire to be pregnant and give birth to a living baby is greater then my fear of having another loss. I have been through so much over the last 4 months, and have realized how strong I am as a person.

We have now decided we are ready and have embarked on the crazy journey of trying to get pregnant again. I am taking a different medication this time to hopefully prevent me from overstimulating like last time, to prevent multiples. As of tonight I have given myself 2 injections in my stomach. The needles aren't to bad, 1/2 inch long but very fine. I barely feel them going in. I give myself an injection each evening for about 10 days or so. I go back to the doctor on Tues for another ultrasound to see how things are going, to determine if the medications dose is good or needs to be changed. I hate having to do the injections, take the meds, but I have to do whatever it takes to get pregnant. The money isn't easy to take either. This month cost us 2400. Hopefully it works on the first month.

With my baby's due date coming up on the 23rd of January, I am missing them a lot these last few days. I am exctied about trying again, but my grief and sadness for my baby's Brielle and Natalie is still so strong. Learning about others at work having their baby's around now, when I was due is hard to hear, but I struggle through it. I swallow the lumps in my throat and blink away the tears. My heart aches each day for them, knowing they should have been born by now, and keeping me from sleeping. I now think of them, as they should be here with me in my arms, and not about being what week in my pregnancy. Now I will always think about the age they would have been and the milestones they would have made it to.

As I adventure through these murky waters once again, I know I will need the support of my friends and family to help me through it. I am terrified of the worst happening again, not knowing how things will go. Please be there for me, to support, hug when needed and to listen when I need to talk about things. I have made some really great friends through this journey and I am so very grateful to have them. At first I didn't want anyone to know I was trying again, for fear of being judged for trying so soon, but no one knows what it is like to be me. To want to be a mother so badly, to have only felt it for only a few hours, while it was being taken away from me. This blog is my journey through life and all the things that go with it. This journey has now reached the 3 year mark, and I feel like I am spinning my wheels once again. WILL I EVER GET THERE?