Due Date

Missing Brielle and Natalie as each day goes by, gets a little easier but it will never be easy. I have learned to make peace with it, and carry them forever in my heart and soul. The ache of wanting to hold them and mother them is still so strong, never will it be on this earth but one day when we meet again With my due date being today, I think of them continually and reflect and remember the moments we had together. Seeing them as they were born, fighting to stay alive and holding them in my arms. These memories burning in my brain forever.

I am home from work today and the house seems extra quiet as I sit here and write this. A stillness in the air that should be filled with crying and crazy caos. Also tomorrow marks the 4 months since I held them. How fast time goes, and it sometimes it feels just like yesterday.

As I am now in my 2 week wait of finding out if I am pregnant or not, I think more about Brielle and Natalie. I know they are happy for us to try again, to give them a brother or sister. I am scared to find out I am not pregnant, to have to do the injections again and the heartache of once again seeing a negative. Over the last 3 years with so many negatives it gets harder with each one, with the want to be a mother so bad. And now after losing my babies, a negative would strike so much harder. I am also scared to see that I am pregnant again. To begin the journey of getting through the first trimester without a miscarriage, and then to approach the weeks when everything went so very wrong with my last pregnancy. Each doctors visit won't be reassuring, since last time I went to my regular OB and everything seemed fine (no ultrasound) and then the next day to be on bedrest from my maternal fetal specialist after seeing dilating on the ultrasound. I am also going to be scared to work. Last time before being told I was dilating I was contracting a lot as I moved around at work, thinking it was branxton hicks contractions not knowing I was in preterm labor. It could happen again and I am worried my job will make it happen again. I am scared to death, and I know my manager won't care, since it is all about work numbers to her and she doesn't see her employees as people with feelings and issues.

Brielle and Natalie, mommy and daddy miss you so very much. We wish you could be here with us to be loved by so many. As our due date together is here we think now of how it would be to have both of you keeping us so very busy. Our lives would be so different right now, our lives being for you. I know you are in a better place and that gives me some comfort but I do believe the best place would be here with me. I hold a lot of sadness in my heart, a sadness that will be with me forever. The deepth of the pain no one will ever understand unless they have experienced the loss of a child. Love you my angels, I know you are looking down on us.