How am I surviving?

Have you ever wondered if you are going to survive? Why haven't you lost it yet? Had a emotional, mental break down?

Being told the statement, "I don't know how you are doing it", made me stop to ask myself, how am I doing it?. Telling the person that I didn't have a choice, I had to move on and get myself out of bed each morning, was a defense mechanism to keep my emotions from spilling out. Deep inside I am not making it. I hurt each day I open my eyes to another day without my Brielle and Natalie with me. I fear the conversations I hear, the people I see and the thoughts in my head. Each day has pending pain, just waiting to come at me. I never know where, when or how it will happen, I just keep my senses alert so I can avoid as many potential ones as possible. I never knew heartache pain could actually be felt physically. Like a broken heart.

I am living two different lives inside me each day. There is the reality of life, I am no longer pregnant with my babies, my babies are in heaven (I hope there is a heaven), I will have yet another year at Christmas with no children, and I have to go through the pain and heartache of fertility treatments again. I know this is reality but the other part of my thoughts live another dimension of my memories.

Thursday of each week is a new week to what was suppossed to be my pregnancy, I would be almost 34 weeks. I count each week and think of what I would have been like, big, happy, scared, but overjoyed with excitement of the pending birth. My babies should be born very, very soon. They would have been happy and healthy, and would have been coming home with us to meet their doggies who would have protected them. I am so afraid that after the date that they would have been born, I will start the new thoughts of memories that I should have 2 babies home with me and being on maternity leave. Sometimes I feel like I am living a split personality, but I know what is reality and not. I know it is normal to have these thoughts because my pregnancy was over so abruptly, to soon with a devastating outcome.

There are days when I think I am losing it or close to it. There are many moments at work each day, tears come into my eyes and I have to wipe them away and carry on with my job. This time of year is so hard for me. Christmas, when my babies should have been born, knowing my brother and his wife are having their baby soon, hearing of others at work being pregnant and knowing 2008 will be the worst year of my life. I really don't know how much more I can take before I truly have a mental breakdown. I guess I am stronger then I think, we all are, the women who I talk with on babycenter, are all very strong.