One Holiday Down and Weekends

I made it through the first holiday since losing Brielle and Natalie. It was a little painful thinking of how it was suppossed to be. I should be 28 weeks pregnant and with twins, I should have been splitting at the seams. There was a halloween party I was going to go to if I wasn't on bed rest. My costume was to paint my belly orange and make it a pumpkin. The party is actually tonight and I don't know if I can go in another costume and not have sadness inside thinking about what it was suppossed to be like. A few people think I should go and if I didn't feel up to it then I can leave. As of right now I don't even feel up to finding a different costume. I know I need to do things for myself to heal but it is hard when you have had a different version of a time in your life already planned out and then it is abruptly changed after losing your children. I haven't totally made up my mind but I probably won't be going. To much happiness to be around.

I love and live for Fridays but right now I am wishing we didn't have them. Weekends have become very difficult for me to get through. I love to sleep in and relax, but now I can't turn my mind off thoughts of what happened, what I am missing out on and what should have been. I sit around the house sometimes all day, with depression setting in. I want to keep busier but I don't really know what to do with myself. Sometimes I do enjoy having time to myself, so I can think more of my babies and tell them I love them and missed them all week while I was at work. People may think I am crazy but this is the only time I can actually feel like I am with them even if its only in my mind and my heart. I still go into their room and cry telling them I am sorry for my decisions and wish I could go back. I am still missing them like I lost them yesterday, the only difference is that I can function. I have a sinking feeling in my heart for them and an internal sadness that never goes away. I wonder if it ever gets better then this or is this how I will feel for the rest of my life. As people say, you never get over it you just learn to live around the pain. I am learning to live around the pain, but it is always there. I guess this is what the new normal is.